Saturday, September 5, 2009

It's all part of "The Plan"!

I haven't written in quite some time. This summer was bumpy. I won't go into the details because, frankly, I don't feel like reliving them. It's now Labor Day weekend. Summer is officially over. No more white clothing. What? I always hated that "law" white after Labor Day. My boys are with their dad this weekend and he took them to visit his family in Utah, so I get the whole weekend to myself. One of the things that I decided I would do is spend some time writing. I love to write, nothing in particular, just start and see where my thoughts take me. Unlike some bloggers, I'm not one to tell about vacations or family outings as much as I tell about what's going on in this ol' brain of mine. And honestly, I don't really blog for the purpose of having others read it, even though I have 2 followers. Thanks Traci and Danielle! I mostly blog because I enjoy sitting down at the computer and doing some self-introspection while I listen to some good music. Sometimes I repeat things that I have said on other blog entries. I guess that just means that those are things that I am thinking about alot. Ok, well here writing. Enjoy!

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to chat with someone that I haven't spoken to in approximately 2o years. It was fun. The only part that I really hate about that is that they want me to fill them in on everything thats happened in my life in that past 2 decades. I usually start out by telling that I am recently divorced and from there, after they express their sympathies, I explain how it's a good thing and that I am ok about it. I will then go into about how I came to the decision to get divorced and where the marriage failed. Why do I feel the need to do this? I never even ask the person if they want to hear this whole explanation. I just automatically start justifying my decision to end my marriage. I guess I know why I do it. I do it because I grew up learning and I believe, no, I know that divorce is not a good thing. It hurts all involved.

When I got married, I thought it was forever. I intended for it to be forever. Even though I knew that I wasn't perfect and neither was the guy I was marrying, I thought that if we loved eachother and worked at making it last, we could make it work. The key phrase is: "if we loved eachother and worked at making it last". If one or both stop working at it for whatever reason, then its hard. Understandably too, I guess, is the reasoning that when it's all such hard work, and not much joy, it gets absolutely exhausting. You start to wonder if marriage is supposed to be so dang exhausting. I certainly have seen couples that make it look easy, and fun to be married and wonder if they are the exception rather than the rule. It just makes me crazy that such a difficult decision like choosing a person to live with and love for the rest of your life is taken on at such a young age. I remember feeling like an old maid when I was single at 24 yrs of age. Now, I look back and think that, like drinking alcohol, marriage should have a legal coming of age!! I know that this is the ramblings of one who didn't make good decisions and is trying to justify her bad decisions by blaming it on society and the rules of society. The truth is that I'm sure I knew in my heart of hearts that I was making a bad decision and went through with it anyway. Why? Because that's just where I was at the time. I wasn't trying to be stupid or rebellious, I just made a mistake, and am living with the consequences of that mistake. He wasn't a bad person, but there were red flags. That's the thing: you have the freedom to make choices, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of those choices. It's a package deal. Sorry. I am now trying to take inventory of the lessons I learned from those choices so as not to continue to make the same mistakes. Isn't that what life is all about?

Ok, here is the crux of the matter!! The point that I really want to talk about. Talking about my marriage is boring and uninteresting. I talk about it all the time and I know, without anyone telling me, that it is excruciatingly painful to listen to anymore!!

The real point is this: We are sent here to this earth for a brief mortal sojourn for a reason. We are all different and have different strengths and weaknesses that we were born with. We will all make different mistakes and we will all accomplish different things during this short time that we exist on this planet. Some may wonder if our being here even has any significance. Well, I strongly believe that it does. Every part of me believes that God sent us here to earth for a purpose. He knows us and knows that we are going to make mistakes. He didn't just place us here and hope that we don't screw ourselves up too badly.

So we come to this earth, sometimes under ideal circumstances, sometimes not. We go through this life taking from every experience, every circumstance, and from these we form our own perceptions. These things form who we are. We absorb everything - every word we are told, every emotion that we feel, everything we see, hear and participate in. Every single thing goes into to making us who we will be. We absorb it all, we record it all, and it becomes a part of us. There are some things that make a bigger impression on our souls than others. There are things that really define us and go into the formation of our core belief systems and our characters. The hope is that we are funneled more positive, and the negative, more damaging things, will be filtered with the help of parents, teachers, loved one, and other mentors. Unfortunately, as we have seen, the ones who should be protecting kids from the damaging things are sometimes those very people that do the most damage. Ouch! God knew that there would be sickos and psychos and wackos all having babies and doing a wonderful job in messing up these kids' lives. He knew and he knows and he cares. All will be taken into consideration when it comes time to evaluate our lives. Every circumstance, every chemical imbalance, every teaching or lack of teaching, every experience and every thought that went into the making of every decision that we make will be taken into consideration. Those who were taught more and had more opportunities for learning in a healthy environment will be held more accountable obviously. That makes sense.

I know that God exists and I know that He is aware of us. We are His spirit children. He cares about us and how we are doing. He is in charge. I know that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to show us the way and to break chains that we couldn't possibly break on our own. He also loves us more than we will ever understand. Of course bad things happen sometimes. These things are allowed to happen not to hurt us or punish us, but to help us grow and become stronger and learn. We have all heard the addage: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! It's so true! If we were spared from all of the adversity and hard lessons, we wouldn't be able to learn and grow as much as we do when we choose to try to learn from every experience, positive and negative, that we go through. What about the children, the innocent children, that should never have to experience suffering, molestation, abuse, etc. Well, I agree that this is the most tragic part of it all. But I also believe that God is with those little ones and somehow gives them some added protection. Those that hurt children are in sorry shape when their day comes to answer to God. Even the ones that seem to go unpunished here will one day get their just punishment. God's timetable is not always our timetable. We just need to believe that He can see the whole picture and knows the end from the beginning and all will be settled in the end.

We all have to go through our own individual life. There are countless things that I have gone through in my life that I feel just aren't fair. If I analyze them all honestly, I have to admit that some of those things happened as a result of choices that I made earlier in my life. This life has a purpose. It is meant as a time for learning and growth. Learning how to function, learning how to master our appetites and passions, learning how to help others along on their journey through this life. We are all in this together. Unfortunately as we get older and get out of elementary school, there is nobody there to keep reminding us to share, to learn how to get along, to keep our hands to ourselves, to not say mean things to eachother, to not take things that don't belong to us, and to be sure to take turns.

I have a strong belief in the power of faith and prayer. I believe in miracles. I have had them in my own life. I know God can make more of me than I could ever do on my own, so I try to keep Him involved as much as I possibly can and trust He can make a way when it seems that there couldn't possibly be a way. He's done it for me. He can put thoughts into my brain and feelings into my heart that help me in my life. He can comfort me and give me peace and hope. I rely on Him. I love Him and I hope to one day be able to kneel before Him and His Son and thank them.

Don't ever give up! Sometimes we can't see the whole picture because of the problems we are facing and those problems seem so big that they block out everything else from our view. We can't see the future because we have this big obstacle in our way. If we hold up our thumb in front of the sun, we can actually hide the sun from our view. Are we actually covering up the sun? No, but our perspective is temporarily obstructed and we can't see "the light of day" due to that obstacle right in front of us.

God is in charge! It's all part of His "Plan"! He's there, He's aware, and He cares! This I know. If we stay close to Him, He will guide back to Him and hopefully we will have gotten out of this experience all that we needed to, and all that He would want us to.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A Piece of Me

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I am just going to write and write until it's all out. Writing is therapy for me. It allows me to put all my feelings into words, and in doing so, discovering myself a little more. Doing this on my blog lets you share the experience and get to know me better. Buckle your seatbelts.

First thought: I wonder what it would feel like to achieve perfect balance in one's life. Isn't that the ultimate goal? To have the scale not be tipped too far to any one side? I'm a Libra (the scale) and sometimes my scale tips so far to one side that it catapults everything else off the scale, but not very often. Thank goodness. Of all the sides of the scale: emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual, the area in which I have the most work to do is the emotional side, I guess. I'm not a complete emotional wreck, but in the category of emotional are the sub-categories of trust, control, fears, self acceptance, boundaries, etc. And I'm no professional, I'm just going by what I have experienced. These other issues are the ones that I need to work on. Trust is a big one-knowing who to trust and who not to trust, how much trust to give, and when to give it. I tend to just dump it all out on the table right at first, and this is horribly dangerous and so reflective of my neediness. Ouch! That hurt just to say. To the receiver of this, it usually causes one reaction: terror and the desire to run, not walk, in the opposite direction. That's what I've observed at least. Unless the receiver is also a needy person. LOL. Then we can sit and stew together in one another's codepedence. MMmmmm, codependence stew! How toxic does that sound?

I think one of my problems that I need to get a handle on is that I love to be expressive. If I feel something, I express it. I say what I feel. I say too much. And along with that love of being expressive is the love of feeling. I love to feel....deeply feel. I love to laugh! Really. I'm talking gut busting, side splitting, eye watering, laughter. It doesn't happen very often, but I love it. It' the best. On the other hand, when I have sorrow I let myself really feel the sorrow. I let that sorrow become tangible by crying. Tears are touchable sorrow. Just ask my sons...they'll confirm it. If the sorrow is really deep, I cry out loud. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's not too bad. The only thing I can say in my defense is that doing this helps me feel more alive.

When I listen to a song....I feel the song. I feel the words. I will just start spontaneously dancing or close my eyes and sing along and soak in the feelings that I am having about it. I would like to delve into that a little more but I will hold off for now. Another feeling that I love to really feel is when I feel in the Spirit. Very emotional for me. It just makes me want to pray and be so grateful for that blessing of having that experience. I can't even explain this one.

Going back to the being expressive part......I didn't always know how to do this. I couldn't express my self or put my feelings into words. I'm still learning how to do it effectively but I love it nevertheless. In my home, I not only have 5 volumes of journals (had 6 but lost my mission journal), but I also have notebooks with thoughts and ideas. If I hear a good quote from a talk or a line or monologue from a movie, I grab a notebook or a scrap of paper and jot it down. If a friend gives me some good advice, I write it down. I have so many pieces of paper jammed into my journals that I have to transfer. Big, small, and sticky notes, full of poems, song lyrics too. It's crazy! It's all part of MY book of Life! It's priceless to me.

I love to express myself so much that at times, it is dangerous. I say things I feel, and in some cases, I'm feeling things that I maybe I shouldn' guess what? It comes out. I may not feel that same feeling in 2 minutes or 2 hours or 2 days, but I felt then, in that moment. It comes out. This excludes hurtful or mean things normally. I hate mean people including myself when I am being mean. This attribute, that of saying what I feel in the moment, is sometimes too much for some people. I try not to scare people, but it most assuredly happens...inevitably and unavoidably.

I truly believe that God gave us this wonderful body, with all of its' exquisite abilities for a purpose. Our minds and bodies with their limitless capabilities are not intended to go unused. I believe, (and let me emphasize I) that He wants us to feel and experience our capacities. And of course we have to learn to bridle them and not go crazy. I believe that this life is a process of becoming and learning how to do this.....this is the hope atleast, but not everyone does. I think that He realizes that we will inevitably sow some wild oats and battle a lot of demons on this path to self mastery and some of those battles with some of those demons will be a lot harder than others. We all have different demons and different issues to deal with and master too. That's ok. That's a given. I'm not (too) embarassed to admit that I am a pretty "sensory" person. I love to feel every emotion: joy, sadness, touch, passion, etc. Am I the only one who thinks that its ok to be a spiritual giant and a freak?? Did I say that out loud? Perfect example of my expressiveness? Ok, now we're back to where I began. 360.

Balance. Keep the scales balanced. Going overboard in any one area isn't healthy, just as neglecting any one side isn't healthy. Like Mr. Miyagi said to Daniel-san, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, [life] good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up and go home. Understand?"

Now you have officially had a piece of me. Don't say I never gave you any! :)

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Object of the Game is to LEARN

Today has been a day for self analyzation. I had some extra time. Sometimes reaching way down deep can bring some old emotions to the surface. Sometimes, a person can say something (or write something) and it begins a process of unbridled thought. Now, that I think about it, this entry may be of a more esoteric nature. Perhaps I will save it for my journal. I will atleast put the lyrics to a song that I was introduced to today: And if you want to listen along, the song is track #13

The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world
Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longingFor slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world
This love she feels Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world

3 Doors Down

I don't want the world....but I was so sick of begging for somebody.....the person with whom I should have felt the toss me some scraps whenever he wanted. I know that I have issues that I need to deal with. I know things don't happen on accident. I needed to learn things from that experience, that marriage, that I hope I've learned well enough to not repeat them. Right now, unfortunately, I am capable of be satisfied with scraps. This is why I need to take time to figure myself out and get myself ready for greater things, greater people. I'm so scared that I will never trust a man to care for me. Most of the men in my life have ended up turning their backs on me. I got to the point that I would actually be drawn to these types and of course ended up marrying one. I would give everything and anything to have love. And that is a dangerous place to be. I am wise enough to know that I have to be careful for me in order to be careful for my boys. They are my work and my glory right now. I wouldn't want them to be hurt worse than they already are.

Another person quoted the title of a song that also gives me hope: Its track #108

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

And one more reference that helps me:
D&C 122:7 ...know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience , and shall be for thy good.

I've traveled that broken road, but it's okay, because it will lead me to somebody wonderful, and because of the things I've experienced and how I've grown from them, I will be a grand prize for that person.

thanks for stopping by. Not exactly light reading I know.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Compromise Shmompromise! I'm done with that!

Some might read the following paragraphs and think I have extremely high expectations of love and that maybe I should come back down to earth. You know what I say to those people? I have been on the other hell...and I'm done compromising and I'm done being attracted to someone's potential. I know what I want. I also realize that I may not find it, especially if I'm not actively seeking, which I am not right now. Honestly, I don't think I am unrealistic in my hope for a wonderful person. He doesn't need to be perfect. Just "right" for me!

I want to feel special. I want to feel valued. I want somebody who can recognize my strengths and abilities. I want someone to tell me that I am wonderful and that they are so lucky to have me in their life. I want someone that I want to be better for because I think that they also are totally amazing and wonderful. Not that it is so important, but I want somebody to tell me that I'm beautiful. I want somebody that when they are away from me, I miss them...even though I just talked to them. To be honest, I don't even know what this feels like. A real healthy love where they want the best for me and I want the best for them and we would do anything to help eachother to rise to our full potential. I want somebody that loves the Savior...even more than they love me. I mean that. So that when I am down, they don't slow down for me spiritually, but they grab my hand and pull me toward He who is mighty to save. I want to be that same way for them. I want somebody that is not afraid to let me know their vulnerabilities because they know that I would never hurt them. I don't want to compromise. I want to be strong. Is there a person out there like this? I know that I need to be as wonderful as the person that I want to find so that when we meet, we will recognize the qualities that we want in eachother. This is what I want.

I am willing to show someone how special they are to me. I am willing to value and adore them too. I want to find somebody whose strengths and abilities I recognize as amazing. I am willing to tell them everyday how wonderful they are to me and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I want someone who I want to be better for because being around them inspires me. I want someone that I can tell how beautiful they are inside and out. Their mind, their personality, and their whole soul! If they are feeling down or weak, I am willing to grab their hand and encourage them onward. I want someone who isn't afraid to give me their heart because they know that I will take good care of it and treat it as precious as it is. I want somebody who I would do anything for and that I don't have to worry because I know that they feel the same way about me. I don't know how this feels yet, but I hope to know someday.

Does that sound like too much to ask for? I think it sounds like a pretty healthy, functional, loving relationship. I know that everyday isn't so wonderful and every relationship, even the best ones, have difficult times. I get that. I will be committed during those times too.

Feel free to tell me if this sounds like a fairytale or if I am within my rights to hope for such love.

Thoughts that have traveled through my head

Last October, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Wow, that felt like that beginning of a 12 step program or something. My name is Marissa and I am a 40 year old. It's not so bad. It's not as devastating as it looks from the distant approach. I am grateful to be where I am. There are some things that I would change, but not if I had to relinquish the knowledge and growth that I have obtained by having passed through those things. I give thanks to God for His greatness and His perfect wisdom in allowing us, His children, to not only grow and prove ourselves to Him but allowing us to figure out for ourselves what He already knew about us. That we are capable of being strong and courageous even against the most unlikely odds if we allow Him to be involved. I love to keep journals and I have been (not always faithfully) writing in my 6 volumes of journals since I was about 17. I go back and read some of my entries and I just want to thump myself. Sometimes, I even find myself coaxing that girl, "No, what were you thinking?" as if my chastisement is going to somehow alter what her next direction would be. But later I can read the testimonial of that same girl after she learned the needed lesson and had gained some wisdom. Unfortunately, there were some lessons that weren't learned until I had some significant battle scars. Scars from wounds that could have been avoided had I been.....had I been....well, I guess I would have to change history to finish that sentence. I am so grateful, so so grateful for the knowledge...the absolute engraven into my soul knowledge that I have of who I am and what that means. Here are some things that I know: I know God is real. He exists. I know it because I have felt His influence and seen His power in my life and in the life of others. I know that Jesus is the Christ. He is our Savior. I know this because He saves me on a very regular basis. I know that when I follow His teachings and example, I am a happier person because I have more peace within myself. I know that God cares about us and that sometimes He allows suffering but He also helps us to get thru that suffering. A wise man once said that Man's extremity is God's opportunity. He wants us to trust in Him and to know that we can go to Him and rely on Him. Some suffering, unfortunately comes from making bad choices that end with painful consequences. I know..believe me. Everything that I am expressing is a result of having gone through something that helped me to learn.

Something else that I know: I know that we cannot make it here on this planet earth without eachother. We can't. If we don't look out for eachother and stop the hate, or even worse, the indifference, then we spiral downward and eventually we implode. I need to be somebody's angel sometimes and I need angels at other times. We can be answers to eachothers prayers. Selfishness and greed and self gratification are toxic but we are being spoon fed the insane idea that the only person that we can ultimately count on is ourselves, so we better look out for our best interest because that's what the other guy is doing. And if we help someone else along, then they end up with more and they get it before we do. The drift of the "society current" is going south, and it takes some intentional rowing to keep heading upstream. I believe that we have to row together in our families, and in our communities. We have to have that unity or it won't work.

Over the past 40 years, as I look back, that which I am most thankful for are the people in my life. Every person that encouraged me, loved me, believed in me, asked me to dance, supported me, acted silly with me, listened to me, laughed with me, sang with me, cried with me, and prayed for me, made a difference in my life. You made me who I am, and that is a pretty big deal!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

It is finished! Now it starts!

As of yesterday March 6, 2009, my divorce is final! I have had many people ask me how I am doing and how it feels. Divorce is a many splendored thing, you know. I feel absolutely ecstatic not to be where I was. I am also ambivalent about it all. I know the future is mine to create and do with it what I will and that is exciting, but I also know that there are 3 other lives that are also affected and the effects of them being affected are...(sorry my weird lady personality wanted a turn). I am the mom and supposedly moms have the greatest influence on a young child's life-until that influential job is taken over by their friends and others that they like better. I just have to believe that they are going to be okay. They are smart and they see more than I realize. They get it and if they don't, they will.

As far as I'm concerned though, I have to get used to letting other people be there for me. I have to change my mindset about being the receiver. I have gone over 2 months with a broken kitchen faucet because I didn't want to bother anyone. Today, my friend's husband came over and fixed it after I went and got the parts. It took about an hour or less. What took me so long? I guess I could go into the analyzation of why but I don't feel like it. It's just a shift. A paradigm shift. I didn't even tell them about my broken toilet. Am I waiting for the plumbing fairy to get here? No. Am I hoping for a miracle? Maybe. Was my friend and her husband the miracle I was hoping for? Probably.

There are going to be lots of broken faucets and toilets and there will surely be a shortage of funds on many occasions. I am not alone. Not to sound completely cliché or trite but, I will survive! I am doing better than I thought. If I would have had more courage to face the unknown adventures of single motherhood, I probably would have left him long ago. Maybe not. I knew I should have left him before we ever had kids. I am rambling.

Getting back to where I started; I have a new anniversary to celebrate. March 6th. 3/6/09. It's a good number. Easy to remember. I know that I am a better person alone than I was with...not-so-good company. I am strong and the voices in my head tell me that I am a bit of a big deal. I believe them.

Life is good. 40 is still young (to anyone 41 or older) and I feel great! Happy Freedom Day to me!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

An exerpt from my book.

I began writing a book back in 2002 during the first time I was separated from my soon to be ex. Long troubles and lack of courage. Anyway I wanted to write an exerpt and let people read it and give some feedback about whether it is enjoyable enough or just mindless rantings of a mad, bitter, white woman! These are all my opinions and thoughts, I have done no research except that which I have collected from my own life...Tis all "the world according to me". Experience is a heck of a good teacher though!

Warning Doesn't Work!

How many times have you told a child, or a childish person for that matter, the best advice that you had to offer only to have them turn their back on it? Why is that? I think that if they don't grasp the concept of what you are attempting to tell them, it just falls on deaf ears or bounces off of their ego and floats off into the "good advice" realm. But one day gravity will pull it back down when needed and it will ring in their ears like a the bells of the Cologne Cathedral in Germany. At least we hope. No, really. No matter how much you try to tell a young, impressionable girl that she shouldn't be with him because he's too controlling or possesive and that his criticism isn't the best foundation for a relationship, it doesn't hold the weight that her perception of reality does. You see, the hugs and kisses and the feelings of being desired are her reality. "I know, but....." is a common come back that reflects the fact that your words have all but dissapated before they reach her brain.
Just try to convince a girl that has never had a healthy, nurturing relationship with a man in her whole young life that she should give up her relationship and the attention and affection and resume her prior life as a lonely, love starved, single, alone, pathetic individual. Are you getting my point? It's probably not going to happen just because you want it to. Idealistically, we hope that our daughters, nieces, cousins, or friends have had some instilling of self worth and have had at least a little experience with what a healthy relationship with a man feels like. A girl needs interaction with those who want the best for her so she can know what that feels like when she reaches dating age.
With divorce being as wide spread as it is, many children-boys and girls-are growing up without fathers in the home. The boys lose the opportunity to see how to be a husband and how to treat a girl like a lady on a daily basis. The girls on the other hand, as I mentioned before, don't experience the initial male/female bonding dynamics. Where is a little girl going to learn what it feels like to be winked at innocently or told that she's beautiful or what it feels like to be treated like she's priceless?
No, no matter how much you feel like warning her of unhappiness and heartbreak, you must bite your tongue. What you will end up doing is having her avoid you and defend him and eventually she will be committing herself to this person because she has put up barriers between herself and those who truly love her. I am not talking about someone who is physically or verbally abusive in these cases. Those cases need more agressive intervention. I am talking about your basic not so good guy. The best thing you can do is to love her unconditionally and be there to listen when she comes home crying because he was unkind or she needs someone to talk to about how she feels. Listen to her. Let her talk. She just may tell herself all of the things you want to say, like what a jerk he is and that she doesn't deserve that. Just reassure her that you are there for her and for her to pay close attention to her feelings. If she's feeling like he's a total jerk 5 out of 7 days, she's bound to get tired of it and you will have been the supportive one through it all. Hopefully, that example of respect and caring from someone who truly unconditionally loves her will make her want that in her life.

Well, there you have a small exerpt from my book called, "A Voice from the Dust-from One who Bit it!" by Marissa Zegarra. I have written about 50-60 pages so far and want to write more and eventually have a professional take a look at it for publishing. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to leave any comments. Later!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Don't tell me you are tolerant!

Ok, this won't be very long. It is a subject that I have felt strongly about lately...maybe because I live in California but also for other reasons. I am speaking of those who say that they are tolerant of people who have a differing "belief system" or "orientation" or who are just plain different. You've heard the speeches about how our differences make us great and that life would be boring if everyone were the same and that we should be tolerant of others' differences. Bull! I don't agree! You want to know why? And before you let the steam blow out your ears...just keep reading.

You want to know why I don't believe that we should just be tolerant? BECAUSE THAT ISN'T ENOUGH! What does tolerate mean anyway? It means that the other person or group of people is tolerable...or tolerable enough that I don't have to hate them or discriminate them...openly. What?!

Just recently, here in California, we were able to vote on Proposition 8. This proposition would define that a marriage is made up of one man and one woman. As you can imagine, most people feel very strongly about this. They either adamantly agree or disagree. I never met a person that said, "You know, I just don't care." People that wanted Prop 8 not to pass were possibly seen as immoral or just too liberal. People that fought for Prop 8 were seen as haters and bigots and that they wanted to impose their beliefs on everyone. I'll tell you right now...I voted yes on Prop 8. Not because I have any problems with gay people. I have absolutely no problem. I'll elaborate in a moment. I just want to say that Prop 8 wasn't about being anti-gay.

Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I grew up learning the meaning of the word diversity. I went to school and work with people from many nationalities and cultures. I also knew many gay people...many. Some were very good friends of mine. As I think of my friend John, Clayton, Carlos, Shelly, Robbin, Mayra, Jared, and others....I think of nothing but great and happy times. Not all of them "came out" during the times that we were the closest, but have since and it doesn't surprise me at all to find out that they are. And it doesn't change my feelings for them. I don't tolerate them....I love them for the kind of people they are. They are amazing people. Some of the strongest, best people I know.

I recently watched a great movie on Lifetime called "Prayers for Bobby" and I highly recommend it. It is based on a true story of a boy growing up in Walnut Creek, CA. I was born in Walnut Creek and grew up in a neighboring city. This boy knew he was gay from an early age but wouldn't admit it to himself or anybody else until his Senior year in High School. The grief and hell that he went through, even by his own extremely religious mother, was say the least and absolutely maddening at worst. He ended up committing suicide because of the emotional distress that the intolerence of others caused. Sigourney Weaver played the mother and she did a great job. Watch it. It is the kind of movie that affects your life.

My final thought is this: I am a Christian. I belong to the LDS Church. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He is the supreme example. The scripture that quotes Him does not say, "As I have tolerated you, tolerate one another." So don't tell me that you are tolerant...because to be tolerant only is.....well, intolerable.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Is there something wrong with me?

First of all, allow me to make a preliminary disclaimer: I love my 3 boys. I would do almost anything for them.

Now having said that, I will go on with what I have been thinking about lately. Right now, I am joining the ranks of strong women who raise children on their own. It isn't my first choice but it is the best choice for me considering the alternative...which I won't get into right now. Being a parent is hard work. It is so hard because of the responsibility attached to it. There are long term effects and consequences to doing a bad job.

I am the type of mother who is a complete pushover. I indulge my boys, not monetarily because I don't have that luxury, but I give them my time, my energy, the best school lunches in the history of school lunches, bed time stories, special breakfasts and fancy dinners, homework help, etc., and every other mother does the same.

Face it, being a mother is draining. If you are the type of mom that is thinking to yourself that motherhood is totally fulfilling and "completes you" then you can stop reading and go. Really, I'll wait.........Ok, are those 2 gone? Really, who are they kidding? If I am being completely frank, I will even go as far as to say that some days my boys literally suck the life right out of me.

Before I was a mom, I had a few jobs that some people might consider brutal. I was a collections agent for a credit card company. The only people you get to talk to are people that don't want to talk to you and don't want you to call them. It's pretty uncomfortable for all involved. Before that I was a office manager in a Low Income Dental Clinic-the only one that existed at that time in Salt Lake. I not only got to deal with people that had abcessed teeth and were in horrible pain but they had no money on top of it. If I turned them away, they had one other option....suffer. So I was the mean, heartless, cruel lady several times per day. But as hard as those jobs were, sometimes they were easier than the job of motherhood is. Maybe those jobs actually prepared me to be the biggest meanie of them all. I get to be the one to makes the rules and enforces them and demands justice for breaking those rules and when and where to give mercy and just how much is deserved.

I get so mad when I hear some people say that woman are just naturally mothers and maternal. So, what is my malfunction then? I guess there are exeptions to every rule. Maybe I am one of those women born with an underdeveloped maternal gene who keep waiting for it to mature and kick in to gear. I love my boys. I really do. But when they are talking back to me or diliberately disobeying me or ignoring me or the worst.....mimicking me in that high pitched voice while bobbing there head side to side. These are the times that I miss my other, less abusive, jobs that I got paid for.

Am I alone here? Is there one other lady out there that can relate to me?

There are moments that are fulfilling, don't misunderstand. Those are the moments that keep you going. I am gratefule for those moments. My boys are still young, still very self absorbed, thinking that their wants and needs are the only wants and needs. I am sure that as they get older, they will be able to see me as a person with feelings and not as unpaid servant and wish grantor. It's probably partly my fault. I should have done things differently. I don't know.

My hope is that I can turn these boys loose into the world with the capability to contribute something to others in this society. That they will have compassion, initiative, self confidence, and strength. But I still secretly have put a curse on them that they will have children someday that are just like them. That really is the satisfaction of all satisfactions.

I will go back to where I began. I love my boys dearly. I will be there mom for as long as they need me. But motherhood is hard. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks for stopping by. Please come again.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Did I choose this?

I have yet to see a card section at the Hallmark Store that is labeled: "For the recently divorced Valentine" or "Doesn't have a significant other/Valentine sympathy cards". It's so okay. I wouldn't trade having a Valentine for a day for the happiness I have found in being unopressed! Freedom from bondage is good for the soul. Besides, my wonderful gay friend who lives too far away graciously agreed to be my virtual Valentine. He even sent me some virtual strawberries and chocolate via Facebook! What more could I ask for?

I recently wrote a poem that I will share:

The Unwelcomed Guest
by Marissa Zegarra

Lonliness, I bid you now to leave me
for companions such as you are vexing.
Do not linger, I insist, not meaning to offend,
but your visit here has done it's chore,
and newer guests will be arriving soon.

Any moment, I expect strength to return from
her respite and peace won't be far behind.
Joy will waltz in as usual, while confidence and love left word,
that while delayed, will be here before I know it.

Lonliness, your presence here is painful
for you serve only to deceive.
You take my mind on paths so strange,
that conjure, and distort what's real-
paths which my heart wishes not to explore.

And as you leave, if you wouldn't mind,
collect your friends that tagged along.
For neither have I room for the likes of
"fear" and "doubt" and "insecurity" .
I can't imagine 4 guests I've had who I'll be more eager to forget.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I admit, I do have days that I do feel pretty lonely. Who doesn't want to have companionship and somebody that not only loves you, but likes you a heck of a lot too. So much that they look forward to being with you even if it's just to hang out and talk. Love and partnership and the whole dynamics that goes along with it is so crazy. My marriage was....less than harmonious alot of the time, nevertheless when it did end, even though I felt peace about it being over, I still struggled and still do some days. It's not that I have regrets because I don't...none! It's because I'm human. It's hard feeling disposable. It's painful to feel easily replaceable. It's almost unbearable to find out that no matter how hard you might have tried and no matter how much crap you put up with, it was never going to be enough because his heart wasn't even in it. I had some sick need to prove that I was not only worthy of his love, but that I was lovable and that I was okay. He lied to my face for 12 years. He perfected the art. He could come up with a lie in an instant and because I didn't want to believe that I wasn't enough, I would take it. He was so good at it that he could make me feel guilty for even doubting him.

I grew up learning that divorce wasn't necessary because there was always hope. As long as there was a desire to make it better, it could be done. Once you make your choice; you choose your love and then you commit to love your choice. That's what I tried to do. Guess what? If both aren't 100% committed, it doesn't matter. There are going to be days, even in the best of marriages, when at least one isn't contributing enough emotionally or physically. Marriages don't end on those days. You hope that you work through those days and that love and commitment are strong enough to keep you bonded. My marriage lacked that. It lacked a lot of things. It got to the point that we didn't have anything in common...except our children. We didn't talk or laugh or converse. I wish I could say it was auspicious in the beginning but I think it was more dismal than blissful even from the beginning. When your mom, your sisters, and 3 out of 4 friends surveyed think you shouldn't marry the guy, you may want to re-examine. All I can say is that I am writing a book explaining how it was that I rationalized my way around all that. Rationalization and realization may sound the same but they aint.

I admit to the fact that if I didn't marry my ex, it is likely that I would have married another equally as hazardous. I don't think I would have felt deserving or comfortable with healthy and functional back then. I wanted to be happy and find somebody amazing, but I don't know that I knew what amazing felt like. Even to this day, I don't know if I know what amazing, unconditional, head over heels, mutually crazy for, love feels like. Honestly.

This is why I have a blog people. So I can develop my thoughts. I can start out talking about Valentines Day cards and end up in self examination. Hey, I never promised light reading.
Thanks for stopping by.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

My First Time!

Ok, I have a blog! I love to write so some friends recommended I start a blog. As you can guess by my blog address, I am a woman with issues. I am 40 years old, just recently divorced, with 3 young boys to raise. And those aren't even my issues! I refuse to be one of those people who purports to be Wonderwoman....I'm not. I believe in being real and if you can deal with that, this may possibly be enjoyable for all involved. You may find some of my postings to be somewhat sardonic, but I will try not to be offensive. I cannot guarantee your satisfaction however.

Throughout these past 40 years, I have become what I would consider somewhat rounded, far from calling myself an erudite, but still enough to have strong opinions about things. I love truth...absolute truth. I believe it does exist but I do not profess to be the owner of all of it. I am intolerant of narcissism, so I will not assume that my thoughts and beliefs are one size fits all. But they are my thoughts and if you wish to comment or disagree with them, that's what the comment box is for. I am simply saying that I have become inured to all that my life has given me.

One of the reasons I decided to start a blog is because of the situation that I currently am in. Situation? Circumstance? Place? What is the word for what I am "in" right now? Being newly divorced is a multi emotional thing. I know I will bring it up alot. I do keep a journal for my more esoteric thoughts and rantings, but I figure that this is healthy way to express myself as well as share with others what it is that I am feeling and thinking and to know me better. The real me. I have no facades. I wear my heart on my sleeve and most of the time it's a very dangerous place for it, but I haven't learned how to get it tucked away yet. Some people may avoid me because I am like this...emotional, clingy, etc. I see myself as loving, giving, and if you are fortunate enough to have my committed friendship, then you will find that I am the most loyal, loving, and giving friend that you have. Some people love the closeness, others may find it too much. I try not be too claustrophobia inducing. I've gotten better over the years =) Just being real!

I like diversity. I am not exotic and I am fairly cliché in most things that I like but I am accepting for the most part. I will probably try anything at least once, within reason. There are things that I have tried that I won't ever try again...and I'm not talking about food.

There you have first blog. I hope you have gotten to know me a bit better. I hope this is a positive experience because if it's not, frankly....I probably won't stick with it. I'm no masochist!

Thanks for dropping by!