Wednesday, February 25, 2009

An exerpt from my book.

I began writing a book back in 2002 during the first time I was separated from my soon to be ex. Long troubles and lack of courage. Anyway I wanted to write an exerpt and let people read it and give some feedback about whether it is enjoyable enough or just mindless rantings of a mad, bitter, white woman! These are all my opinions and thoughts, I have done no research except that which I have collected from my own life...Tis all "the world according to me". Experience is a heck of a good teacher though!

Warning Doesn't Work!

How many times have you told a child, or a childish person for that matter, the best advice that you had to offer only to have them turn their back on it? Why is that? I think that if they don't grasp the concept of what you are attempting to tell them, it just falls on deaf ears or bounces off of their ego and floats off into the "good advice" realm. But one day gravity will pull it back down when needed and it will ring in their ears like a the bells of the Cologne Cathedral in Germany. At least we hope. No, really. No matter how much you try to tell a young, impressionable girl that she shouldn't be with him because he's too controlling or possesive and that his criticism isn't the best foundation for a relationship, it doesn't hold the weight that her perception of reality does. You see, the hugs and kisses and the feelings of being desired are her reality. "I know, but....." is a common come back that reflects the fact that your words have all but dissapated before they reach her brain.
Just try to convince a girl that has never had a healthy, nurturing relationship with a man in her whole young life that she should give up her relationship and the attention and affection and resume her prior life as a lonely, love starved, single, alone, pathetic individual. Are you getting my point? It's probably not going to happen just because you want it to. Idealistically, we hope that our daughters, nieces, cousins, or friends have had some instilling of self worth and have had at least a little experience with what a healthy relationship with a man feels like. A girl needs interaction with those who want the best for her so she can know what that feels like when she reaches dating age.
With divorce being as wide spread as it is, many children-boys and girls-are growing up without fathers in the home. The boys lose the opportunity to see how to be a husband and how to treat a girl like a lady on a daily basis. The girls on the other hand, as I mentioned before, don't experience the initial male/female bonding dynamics. Where is a little girl going to learn what it feels like to be winked at innocently or told that she's beautiful or what it feels like to be treated like she's priceless?
No, no matter how much you feel like warning her of unhappiness and heartbreak, you must bite your tongue. What you will end up doing is having her avoid you and defend him and eventually she will be committing herself to this person because she has put up barriers between herself and those who truly love her. I am not talking about someone who is physically or verbally abusive in these cases. Those cases need more agressive intervention. I am talking about your basic not so good guy. The best thing you can do is to love her unconditionally and be there to listen when she comes home crying because he was unkind or she needs someone to talk to about how she feels. Listen to her. Let her talk. She just may tell herself all of the things you want to say, like what a jerk he is and that she doesn't deserve that. Just reassure her that you are there for her and for her to pay close attention to her feelings. If she's feeling like he's a total jerk 5 out of 7 days, she's bound to get tired of it and you will have been the supportive one through it all. Hopefully, that example of respect and caring from someone who truly unconditionally loves her will make her want that in her life.

Well, there you have a small exerpt from my book called, "A Voice from the Dust-from One who Bit it!" by Marissa Zegarra. I have written about 50-60 pages so far and want to write more and eventually have a professional take a look at it for publishing. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to leave any comments. Later!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Don't tell me you are tolerant!

Ok, this won't be very long. It is a subject that I have felt strongly about lately...maybe because I live in California but also for other reasons. I am speaking of those who say that they are tolerant of people who have a differing "belief system" or "orientation" or who are just plain different. You've heard the speeches about how our differences make us great and that life would be boring if everyone were the same and that we should be tolerant of others' differences. Bull! I don't agree! You want to know why? And before you let the steam blow out your ears...just keep reading.

You want to know why I don't believe that we should just be tolerant? BECAUSE THAT ISN'T ENOUGH! What does tolerate mean anyway? It means that the other person or group of people is tolerable...or tolerable enough that I don't have to hate them or discriminate them...openly. What?!

Just recently, here in California, we were able to vote on Proposition 8. This proposition would define that a marriage is made up of one man and one woman. As you can imagine, most people feel very strongly about this. They either adamantly agree or disagree. I never met a person that said, "You know, I just don't care." People that wanted Prop 8 not to pass were possibly seen as immoral or just too liberal. People that fought for Prop 8 were seen as haters and bigots and that they wanted to impose their beliefs on everyone. I'll tell you right now...I voted yes on Prop 8. Not because I have any problems with gay people. I have absolutely no problem. I'll elaborate in a moment. I just want to say that Prop 8 wasn't about being anti-gay.

Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I grew up learning the meaning of the word diversity. I went to school and work with people from many nationalities and cultures. I also knew many gay people...many. Some were very good friends of mine. As I think of my friend John, Clayton, Carlos, Shelly, Robbin, Mayra, Jared, and others....I think of nothing but great and happy times. Not all of them "came out" during the times that we were the closest, but have since and it doesn't surprise me at all to find out that they are. And it doesn't change my feelings for them. I don't tolerate them....I love them for the kind of people they are. They are amazing people. Some of the strongest, best people I know.

I recently watched a great movie on Lifetime called "Prayers for Bobby" and I highly recommend it. It is based on a true story of a boy growing up in Walnut Creek, CA. I was born in Walnut Creek and grew up in a neighboring city. This boy knew he was gay from an early age but wouldn't admit it to himself or anybody else until his Senior year in High School. The grief and hell that he went through, even by his own extremely religious mother, was say the least and absolutely maddening at worst. He ended up committing suicide because of the emotional distress that the intolerence of others caused. Sigourney Weaver played the mother and she did a great job. Watch it. It is the kind of movie that affects your life.

My final thought is this: I am a Christian. I belong to the LDS Church. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He is the supreme example. The scripture that quotes Him does not say, "As I have tolerated you, tolerate one another." So don't tell me that you are tolerant...because to be tolerant only is.....well, intolerable.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Is there something wrong with me?

First of all, allow me to make a preliminary disclaimer: I love my 3 boys. I would do almost anything for them.

Now having said that, I will go on with what I have been thinking about lately. Right now, I am joining the ranks of strong women who raise children on their own. It isn't my first choice but it is the best choice for me considering the alternative...which I won't get into right now. Being a parent is hard work. It is so hard because of the responsibility attached to it. There are long term effects and consequences to doing a bad job.

I am the type of mother who is a complete pushover. I indulge my boys, not monetarily because I don't have that luxury, but I give them my time, my energy, the best school lunches in the history of school lunches, bed time stories, special breakfasts and fancy dinners, homework help, etc., and every other mother does the same.

Face it, being a mother is draining. If you are the type of mom that is thinking to yourself that motherhood is totally fulfilling and "completes you" then you can stop reading and go. Really, I'll wait.........Ok, are those 2 gone? Really, who are they kidding? If I am being completely frank, I will even go as far as to say that some days my boys literally suck the life right out of me.

Before I was a mom, I had a few jobs that some people might consider brutal. I was a collections agent for a credit card company. The only people you get to talk to are people that don't want to talk to you and don't want you to call them. It's pretty uncomfortable for all involved. Before that I was a office manager in a Low Income Dental Clinic-the only one that existed at that time in Salt Lake. I not only got to deal with people that had abcessed teeth and were in horrible pain but they had no money on top of it. If I turned them away, they had one other option....suffer. So I was the mean, heartless, cruel lady several times per day. But as hard as those jobs were, sometimes they were easier than the job of motherhood is. Maybe those jobs actually prepared me to be the biggest meanie of them all. I get to be the one to makes the rules and enforces them and demands justice for breaking those rules and when and where to give mercy and just how much is deserved.

I get so mad when I hear some people say that woman are just naturally mothers and maternal. So, what is my malfunction then? I guess there are exeptions to every rule. Maybe I am one of those women born with an underdeveloped maternal gene who keep waiting for it to mature and kick in to gear. I love my boys. I really do. But when they are talking back to me or diliberately disobeying me or ignoring me or the worst.....mimicking me in that high pitched voice while bobbing there head side to side. These are the times that I miss my other, less abusive, jobs that I got paid for.

Am I alone here? Is there one other lady out there that can relate to me?

There are moments that are fulfilling, don't misunderstand. Those are the moments that keep you going. I am gratefule for those moments. My boys are still young, still very self absorbed, thinking that their wants and needs are the only wants and needs. I am sure that as they get older, they will be able to see me as a person with feelings and not as unpaid servant and wish grantor. It's probably partly my fault. I should have done things differently. I don't know.

My hope is that I can turn these boys loose into the world with the capability to contribute something to others in this society. That they will have compassion, initiative, self confidence, and strength. But I still secretly have put a curse on them that they will have children someday that are just like them. That really is the satisfaction of all satisfactions.

I will go back to where I began. I love my boys dearly. I will be there mom for as long as they need me. But motherhood is hard. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks for stopping by. Please come again.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Did I choose this?

I have yet to see a card section at the Hallmark Store that is labeled: "For the recently divorced Valentine" or "Doesn't have a significant other/Valentine sympathy cards". It's so okay. I wouldn't trade having a Valentine for a day for the happiness I have found in being unopressed! Freedom from bondage is good for the soul. Besides, my wonderful gay friend who lives too far away graciously agreed to be my virtual Valentine. He even sent me some virtual strawberries and chocolate via Facebook! What more could I ask for?

I recently wrote a poem that I will share:

The Unwelcomed Guest
by Marissa Zegarra

Lonliness, I bid you now to leave me
for companions such as you are vexing.
Do not linger, I insist, not meaning to offend,
but your visit here has done it's chore,
and newer guests will be arriving soon.

Any moment, I expect strength to return from
her respite and peace won't be far behind.
Joy will waltz in as usual, while confidence and love left word,
that while delayed, will be here before I know it.

Lonliness, your presence here is painful
for you serve only to deceive.
You take my mind on paths so strange,
that conjure, and distort what's real-
paths which my heart wishes not to explore.

And as you leave, if you wouldn't mind,
collect your friends that tagged along.
For neither have I room for the likes of
"fear" and "doubt" and "insecurity" .
I can't imagine 4 guests I've had who I'll be more eager to forget.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I admit, I do have days that I do feel pretty lonely. Who doesn't want to have companionship and somebody that not only loves you, but likes you a heck of a lot too. So much that they look forward to being with you even if it's just to hang out and talk. Love and partnership and the whole dynamics that goes along with it is so crazy. My marriage was....less than harmonious alot of the time, nevertheless when it did end, even though I felt peace about it being over, I still struggled and still do some days. It's not that I have regrets because I don't...none! It's because I'm human. It's hard feeling disposable. It's painful to feel easily replaceable. It's almost unbearable to find out that no matter how hard you might have tried and no matter how much crap you put up with, it was never going to be enough because his heart wasn't even in it. I had some sick need to prove that I was not only worthy of his love, but that I was lovable and that I was okay. He lied to my face for 12 years. He perfected the art. He could come up with a lie in an instant and because I didn't want to believe that I wasn't enough, I would take it. He was so good at it that he could make me feel guilty for even doubting him.

I grew up learning that divorce wasn't necessary because there was always hope. As long as there was a desire to make it better, it could be done. Once you make your choice; you choose your love and then you commit to love your choice. That's what I tried to do. Guess what? If both aren't 100% committed, it doesn't matter. There are going to be days, even in the best of marriages, when at least one isn't contributing enough emotionally or physically. Marriages don't end on those days. You hope that you work through those days and that love and commitment are strong enough to keep you bonded. My marriage lacked that. It lacked a lot of things. It got to the point that we didn't have anything in common...except our children. We didn't talk or laugh or converse. I wish I could say it was auspicious in the beginning but I think it was more dismal than blissful even from the beginning. When your mom, your sisters, and 3 out of 4 friends surveyed think you shouldn't marry the guy, you may want to re-examine. All I can say is that I am writing a book explaining how it was that I rationalized my way around all that. Rationalization and realization may sound the same but they aint.

I admit to the fact that if I didn't marry my ex, it is likely that I would have married another equally as hazardous. I don't think I would have felt deserving or comfortable with healthy and functional back then. I wanted to be happy and find somebody amazing, but I don't know that I knew what amazing felt like. Even to this day, I don't know if I know what amazing, unconditional, head over heels, mutually crazy for, love feels like. Honestly.

This is why I have a blog people. So I can develop my thoughts. I can start out talking about Valentines Day cards and end up in self examination. Hey, I never promised light reading.
Thanks for stopping by.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

My First Time!

Ok, I have a blog! I love to write so some friends recommended I start a blog. As you can guess by my blog address, I am a woman with issues. I am 40 years old, just recently divorced, with 3 young boys to raise. And those aren't even my issues! I refuse to be one of those people who purports to be Wonderwoman....I'm not. I believe in being real and if you can deal with that, this may possibly be enjoyable for all involved. You may find some of my postings to be somewhat sardonic, but I will try not to be offensive. I cannot guarantee your satisfaction however.

Throughout these past 40 years, I have become what I would consider somewhat rounded, far from calling myself an erudite, but still enough to have strong opinions about things. I love truth...absolute truth. I believe it does exist but I do not profess to be the owner of all of it. I am intolerant of narcissism, so I will not assume that my thoughts and beliefs are one size fits all. But they are my thoughts and if you wish to comment or disagree with them, that's what the comment box is for. I am simply saying that I have become inured to all that my life has given me.

One of the reasons I decided to start a blog is because of the situation that I currently am in. Situation? Circumstance? Place? What is the word for what I am "in" right now? Being newly divorced is a multi emotional thing. I know I will bring it up alot. I do keep a journal for my more esoteric thoughts and rantings, but I figure that this is healthy way to express myself as well as share with others what it is that I am feeling and thinking and to know me better. The real me. I have no facades. I wear my heart on my sleeve and most of the time it's a very dangerous place for it, but I haven't learned how to get it tucked away yet. Some people may avoid me because I am like this...emotional, clingy, etc. I see myself as loving, giving, and if you are fortunate enough to have my committed friendship, then you will find that I am the most loyal, loving, and giving friend that you have. Some people love the closeness, others may find it too much. I try not be too claustrophobia inducing. I've gotten better over the years =) Just being real!

I like diversity. I am not exotic and I am fairly cliché in most things that I like but I am accepting for the most part. I will probably try anything at least once, within reason. There are things that I have tried that I won't ever try again...and I'm not talking about food.

There you have first blog. I hope you have gotten to know me a bit better. I hope this is a positive experience because if it's not, frankly....I probably won't stick with it. I'm no masochist!

Thanks for dropping by!