Sunday, February 22, 2009

Is there something wrong with me?

First of all, allow me to make a preliminary disclaimer: I love my 3 boys. I would do almost anything for them.

Now having said that, I will go on with what I have been thinking about lately. Right now, I am joining the ranks of strong women who raise children on their own. It isn't my first choice but it is the best choice for me considering the alternative...which I won't get into right now. Being a parent is hard work. It is so hard because of the responsibility attached to it. There are long term effects and consequences to doing a bad job.

I am the type of mother who is a complete pushover. I indulge my boys, not monetarily because I don't have that luxury, but I give them my time, my energy, the best school lunches in the history of school lunches, bed time stories, special breakfasts and fancy dinners, homework help, etc., and every other mother does the same.

Face it, being a mother is draining. If you are the type of mom that is thinking to yourself that motherhood is totally fulfilling and "completes you" then you can stop reading and go. Really, I'll wait.........Ok, are those 2 gone? Really, who are they kidding? If I am being completely frank, I will even go as far as to say that some days my boys literally suck the life right out of me.

Before I was a mom, I had a few jobs that some people might consider brutal. I was a collections agent for a credit card company. The only people you get to talk to are people that don't want to talk to you and don't want you to call them. It's pretty uncomfortable for all involved. Before that I was a office manager in a Low Income Dental Clinic-the only one that existed at that time in Salt Lake. I not only got to deal with people that had abcessed teeth and were in horrible pain but they had no money on top of it. If I turned them away, they had one other option....suffer. So I was the mean, heartless, cruel lady several times per day. But as hard as those jobs were, sometimes they were easier than the job of motherhood is. Maybe those jobs actually prepared me to be the biggest meanie of them all. I get to be the one to makes the rules and enforces them and demands justice for breaking those rules and when and where to give mercy and just how much is deserved.

I get so mad when I hear some people say that woman are just naturally mothers and maternal. So, what is my malfunction then? I guess there are exeptions to every rule. Maybe I am one of those women born with an underdeveloped maternal gene who keep waiting for it to mature and kick in to gear. I love my boys. I really do. But when they are talking back to me or diliberately disobeying me or ignoring me or the worst.....mimicking me in that high pitched voice while bobbing there head side to side. These are the times that I miss my other, less abusive, jobs that I got paid for.

Am I alone here? Is there one other lady out there that can relate to me?

There are moments that are fulfilling, don't misunderstand. Those are the moments that keep you going. I am gratefule for those moments. My boys are still young, still very self absorbed, thinking that their wants and needs are the only wants and needs. I am sure that as they get older, they will be able to see me as a person with feelings and not as unpaid servant and wish grantor. It's probably partly my fault. I should have done things differently. I don't know.

My hope is that I can turn these boys loose into the world with the capability to contribute something to others in this society. That they will have compassion, initiative, self confidence, and strength. But I still secretly have put a curse on them that they will have children someday that are just like them. That really is the satisfaction of all satisfactions.

I will go back to where I began. I love my boys dearly. I will be there mom for as long as they need me. But motherhood is hard. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks for stopping by. Please come again.

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