Sunday, February 15, 2009

Did I choose this?

I have yet to see a card section at the Hallmark Store that is labeled: "For the recently divorced Valentine" or "Doesn't have a significant other/Valentine sympathy cards". It's so okay. I wouldn't trade having a Valentine for a day for the happiness I have found in being unopressed! Freedom from bondage is good for the soul. Besides, my wonderful gay friend who lives too far away graciously agreed to be my virtual Valentine. He even sent me some virtual strawberries and chocolate via Facebook! What more could I ask for?

I recently wrote a poem that I will share:

The Unwelcomed Guest
by Marissa Zegarra

Lonliness, I bid you now to leave me
for companions such as you are vexing.
Do not linger, I insist, not meaning to offend,
but your visit here has done it's chore,
and newer guests will be arriving soon.

Any moment, I expect strength to return from
her respite and peace won't be far behind.
Joy will waltz in as usual, while confidence and love left word,
that while delayed, will be here before I know it.

Lonliness, your presence here is painful
for you serve only to deceive.
You take my mind on paths so strange,
that conjure, and distort what's real-
paths which my heart wishes not to explore.

And as you leave, if you wouldn't mind,
collect your friends that tagged along.
For neither have I room for the likes of
"fear" and "doubt" and "insecurity" .
I can't imagine 4 guests I've had who I'll be more eager to forget.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I admit, I do have days that I do feel pretty lonely. Who doesn't want to have companionship and somebody that not only loves you, but likes you a heck of a lot too. So much that they look forward to being with you even if it's just to hang out and talk. Love and partnership and the whole dynamics that goes along with it is so crazy. My marriage was....less than harmonious alot of the time, nevertheless when it did end, even though I felt peace about it being over, I still struggled and still do some days. It's not that I have regrets because I don't...none! It's because I'm human. It's hard feeling disposable. It's painful to feel easily replaceable. It's almost unbearable to find out that no matter how hard you might have tried and no matter how much crap you put up with, it was never going to be enough because his heart wasn't even in it. I had some sick need to prove that I was not only worthy of his love, but that I was lovable and that I was okay. He lied to my face for 12 years. He perfected the art. He could come up with a lie in an instant and because I didn't want to believe that I wasn't enough, I would take it. He was so good at it that he could make me feel guilty for even doubting him.

I grew up learning that divorce wasn't necessary because there was always hope. As long as there was a desire to make it better, it could be done. Once you make your choice; you choose your love and then you commit to love your choice. That's what I tried to do. Guess what? If both aren't 100% committed, it doesn't matter. There are going to be days, even in the best of marriages, when at least one isn't contributing enough emotionally or physically. Marriages don't end on those days. You hope that you work through those days and that love and commitment are strong enough to keep you bonded. My marriage lacked that. It lacked a lot of things. It got to the point that we didn't have anything in common...except our children. We didn't talk or laugh or converse. I wish I could say it was auspicious in the beginning but I think it was more dismal than blissful even from the beginning. When your mom, your sisters, and 3 out of 4 friends surveyed think you shouldn't marry the guy, you may want to re-examine. All I can say is that I am writing a book explaining how it was that I rationalized my way around all that. Rationalization and realization may sound the same but they aint.

I admit to the fact that if I didn't marry my ex, it is likely that I would have married another equally as hazardous. I don't think I would have felt deserving or comfortable with healthy and functional back then. I wanted to be happy and find somebody amazing, but I don't know that I knew what amazing felt like. Even to this day, I don't know if I know what amazing, unconditional, head over heels, mutually crazy for, love feels like. Honestly.

This is why I have a blog people. So I can develop my thoughts. I can start out talking about Valentines Day cards and end up in self examination. Hey, I never promised light reading.
Thanks for stopping by.

1 comment:

  1. We grow up with the Disney Syndrome, thinking everything we want and need is the same thing and that it will come wrapped in a pretty package. The cold hard truth is, there is never going to be a person that fulfills us 100%. We have to decide whether we want our needs or our wants met and try to find someone who will meet those standards, but most importantly, will be someone who will simple enjoy us for who we are. People worry so much over friendship not being passionate enough for them but friendship is the one thing that lasts forever. Looks, attraction, and those charming quirks don't. I wish you luck and much more someday finding the right Valentine for you; not one that you need, because you stand strong alone, but one that fulfills your combination of wants, needs, and most importantly friendship.