Monday, March 9, 2009

Compromise Shmompromise! I'm done with that!

Some might read the following paragraphs and think I have extremely high expectations of love and that maybe I should come back down to earth. You know what I say to those people? I have been on the other hell...and I'm done compromising and I'm done being attracted to someone's potential. I know what I want. I also realize that I may not find it, especially if I'm not actively seeking, which I am not right now. Honestly, I don't think I am unrealistic in my hope for a wonderful person. He doesn't need to be perfect. Just "right" for me!

I want to feel special. I want to feel valued. I want somebody who can recognize my strengths and abilities. I want someone to tell me that I am wonderful and that they are so lucky to have me in their life. I want someone that I want to be better for because I think that they also are totally amazing and wonderful. Not that it is so important, but I want somebody to tell me that I'm beautiful. I want somebody that when they are away from me, I miss them...even though I just talked to them. To be honest, I don't even know what this feels like. A real healthy love where they want the best for me and I want the best for them and we would do anything to help eachother to rise to our full potential. I want somebody that loves the Savior...even more than they love me. I mean that. So that when I am down, they don't slow down for me spiritually, but they grab my hand and pull me toward He who is mighty to save. I want to be that same way for them. I want somebody that is not afraid to let me know their vulnerabilities because they know that I would never hurt them. I don't want to compromise. I want to be strong. Is there a person out there like this? I know that I need to be as wonderful as the person that I want to find so that when we meet, we will recognize the qualities that we want in eachother. This is what I want.

I am willing to show someone how special they are to me. I am willing to value and adore them too. I want to find somebody whose strengths and abilities I recognize as amazing. I am willing to tell them everyday how wonderful they are to me and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I want someone who I want to be better for because being around them inspires me. I want someone that I can tell how beautiful they are inside and out. Their mind, their personality, and their whole soul! If they are feeling down or weak, I am willing to grab their hand and encourage them onward. I want someone who isn't afraid to give me their heart because they know that I will take good care of it and treat it as precious as it is. I want somebody who I would do anything for and that I don't have to worry because I know that they feel the same way about me. I don't know how this feels yet, but I hope to know someday.

Does that sound like too much to ask for? I think it sounds like a pretty healthy, functional, loving relationship. I know that everyday isn't so wonderful and every relationship, even the best ones, have difficult times. I get that. I will be committed during those times too.

Feel free to tell me if this sounds like a fairytale or if I am within my rights to hope for such love.

Thoughts that have traveled through my head

Last October, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Wow, that felt like that beginning of a 12 step program or something. My name is Marissa and I am a 40 year old. It's not so bad. It's not as devastating as it looks from the distant approach. I am grateful to be where I am. There are some things that I would change, but not if I had to relinquish the knowledge and growth that I have obtained by having passed through those things. I give thanks to God for His greatness and His perfect wisdom in allowing us, His children, to not only grow and prove ourselves to Him but allowing us to figure out for ourselves what He already knew about us. That we are capable of being strong and courageous even against the most unlikely odds if we allow Him to be involved. I love to keep journals and I have been (not always faithfully) writing in my 6 volumes of journals since I was about 17. I go back and read some of my entries and I just want to thump myself. Sometimes, I even find myself coaxing that girl, "No, what were you thinking?" as if my chastisement is going to somehow alter what her next direction would be. But later I can read the testimonial of that same girl after she learned the needed lesson and had gained some wisdom. Unfortunately, there were some lessons that weren't learned until I had some significant battle scars. Scars from wounds that could have been avoided had I been.....had I been....well, I guess I would have to change history to finish that sentence. I am so grateful, so so grateful for the knowledge...the absolute engraven into my soul knowledge that I have of who I am and what that means. Here are some things that I know: I know God is real. He exists. I know it because I have felt His influence and seen His power in my life and in the life of others. I know that Jesus is the Christ. He is our Savior. I know this because He saves me on a very regular basis. I know that when I follow His teachings and example, I am a happier person because I have more peace within myself. I know that God cares about us and that sometimes He allows suffering but He also helps us to get thru that suffering. A wise man once said that Man's extremity is God's opportunity. He wants us to trust in Him and to know that we can go to Him and rely on Him. Some suffering, unfortunately comes from making bad choices that end with painful consequences. I know..believe me. Everything that I am expressing is a result of having gone through something that helped me to learn.

Something else that I know: I know that we cannot make it here on this planet earth without eachother. We can't. If we don't look out for eachother and stop the hate, or even worse, the indifference, then we spiral downward and eventually we implode. I need to be somebody's angel sometimes and I need angels at other times. We can be answers to eachothers prayers. Selfishness and greed and self gratification are toxic but we are being spoon fed the insane idea that the only person that we can ultimately count on is ourselves, so we better look out for our best interest because that's what the other guy is doing. And if we help someone else along, then they end up with more and they get it before we do. The drift of the "society current" is going south, and it takes some intentional rowing to keep heading upstream. I believe that we have to row together in our families, and in our communities. We have to have that unity or it won't work.

Over the past 40 years, as I look back, that which I am most thankful for are the people in my life. Every person that encouraged me, loved me, believed in me, asked me to dance, supported me, acted silly with me, listened to me, laughed with me, sang with me, cried with me, and prayed for me, made a difference in my life. You made me who I am, and that is a pretty big deal!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

It is finished! Now it starts!

As of yesterday March 6, 2009, my divorce is final! I have had many people ask me how I am doing and how it feels. Divorce is a many splendored thing, you know. I feel absolutely ecstatic not to be where I was. I am also ambivalent about it all. I know the future is mine to create and do with it what I will and that is exciting, but I also know that there are 3 other lives that are also affected and the effects of them being affected are...(sorry my weird lady personality wanted a turn). I am the mom and supposedly moms have the greatest influence on a young child's life-until that influential job is taken over by their friends and others that they like better. I just have to believe that they are going to be okay. They are smart and they see more than I realize. They get it and if they don't, they will.

As far as I'm concerned though, I have to get used to letting other people be there for me. I have to change my mindset about being the receiver. I have gone over 2 months with a broken kitchen faucet because I didn't want to bother anyone. Today, my friend's husband came over and fixed it after I went and got the parts. It took about an hour or less. What took me so long? I guess I could go into the analyzation of why but I don't feel like it. It's just a shift. A paradigm shift. I didn't even tell them about my broken toilet. Am I waiting for the plumbing fairy to get here? No. Am I hoping for a miracle? Maybe. Was my friend and her husband the miracle I was hoping for? Probably.

There are going to be lots of broken faucets and toilets and there will surely be a shortage of funds on many occasions. I am not alone. Not to sound completely cliché or trite but, I will survive! I am doing better than I thought. If I would have had more courage to face the unknown adventures of single motherhood, I probably would have left him long ago. Maybe not. I knew I should have left him before we ever had kids. I am rambling.

Getting back to where I started; I have a new anniversary to celebrate. March 6th. 3/6/09. It's a good number. Easy to remember. I know that I am a better person alone than I was with...not-so-good company. I am strong and the voices in my head tell me that I am a bit of a big deal. I believe them.

Life is good. 40 is still young (to anyone 41 or older) and I feel great! Happy Freedom Day to me!