Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A Piece of Me

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I am just going to write and write until it's all out. Writing is therapy for me. It allows me to put all my feelings into words, and in doing so, discovering myself a little more. Doing this on my blog lets you share the experience and get to know me better. Buckle your seatbelts.

First thought: I wonder what it would feel like to achieve perfect balance in one's life. Isn't that the ultimate goal? To have the scale not be tipped too far to any one side? I'm a Libra (the scale) and sometimes my scale tips so far to one side that it catapults everything else off the scale, but not very often. Thank goodness. Of all the sides of the scale: emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual, the area in which I have the most work to do is the emotional side, I guess. I'm not a complete emotional wreck, but in the category of emotional are the sub-categories of trust, control, fears, self acceptance, boundaries, etc. And I'm no professional, I'm just going by what I have experienced. These other issues are the ones that I need to work on. Trust is a big one-knowing who to trust and who not to trust, how much trust to give, and when to give it. I tend to just dump it all out on the table right at first, and this is horribly dangerous and so reflective of my neediness. Ouch! That hurt just to say. To the receiver of this, it usually causes one reaction: terror and the desire to run, not walk, in the opposite direction. That's what I've observed at least. Unless the receiver is also a needy person. LOL. Then we can sit and stew together in one another's codepedence. MMmmmm, codependence stew! How toxic does that sound?

I think one of my problems that I need to get a handle on is that I love to be expressive. If I feel something, I express it. I say what I feel. I say too much. And along with that love of being expressive is the love of feeling. I love to feel....deeply feel. I love to laugh! Really. I'm talking gut busting, side splitting, eye watering, laughter. It doesn't happen very often, but I love it. It' the best. On the other hand, when I have sorrow I let myself really feel the sorrow. I let that sorrow become tangible by crying. Tears are touchable sorrow. Just ask my sons...they'll confirm it. If the sorrow is really deep, I cry out loud. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's not too bad. The only thing I can say in my defense is that doing this helps me feel more alive.

When I listen to a song....I feel the song. I feel the words. I will just start spontaneously dancing or close my eyes and sing along and soak in the feelings that I am having about it. I would like to delve into that a little more but I will hold off for now. Another feeling that I love to really feel is when I feel in the Spirit. Very emotional for me. It just makes me want to pray and be so grateful for that blessing of having that experience. I can't even explain this one.

Going back to the being expressive part......I didn't always know how to do this. I couldn't express my self or put my feelings into words. I'm still learning how to do it effectively but I love it nevertheless. In my home, I not only have 5 volumes of journals (had 6 but lost my mission journal), but I also have notebooks with thoughts and ideas. If I hear a good quote from a talk or a line or monologue from a movie, I grab a notebook or a scrap of paper and jot it down. If a friend gives me some good advice, I write it down. I have so many pieces of paper jammed into my journals that I have to transfer. Big, small, and sticky notes, full of poems, song lyrics too. It's crazy! It's all part of MY book of Life! It's priceless to me.

I love to express myself so much that at times, it is dangerous. I say things I feel, and in some cases, I'm feeling things that I maybe I shouldn't....so guess what? It comes out. I may not feel that same feeling in 2 minutes or 2 hours or 2 days, but I felt then, in that moment. It comes out. This excludes hurtful or mean things normally. I hate mean people including myself when I am being mean. This attribute, that of saying what I feel in the moment, is sometimes too much for some people. I try not to scare people, but it most assuredly happens...inevitably and unavoidably.

I truly believe that God gave us this wonderful body, with all of its' exquisite abilities for a purpose. Our minds and bodies with their limitless capabilities are not intended to go unused. I believe, (and let me emphasize I) that He wants us to feel and experience our capacities. And of course we have to learn to bridle them and not go crazy. I believe that this life is a process of becoming and learning how to do this.....this is the hope atleast, but not everyone does. I think that He realizes that we will inevitably sow some wild oats and battle a lot of demons on this path to self mastery and some of those battles with some of those demons will be a lot harder than others. We all have different demons and different issues to deal with and master too. That's ok. That's a given. I'm not (too) embarassed to admit that I am a pretty "sensory" person. I love to feel every emotion: joy, sadness, touch, passion, etc. Am I the only one who thinks that its ok to be a spiritual giant and a freak?? Did I say that out loud? Perfect example of my expressiveness? Ok, now we're back to where I began. 360.

Balance. Keep the scales balanced. Going overboard in any one area isn't healthy, just as neglecting any one side isn't healthy. Like Mr. Miyagi said to Daniel-san, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, [life] good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up and go home. Understand?"

Now you have officially had a piece of me. Don't say I never gave you any! :)