Monday, April 25, 2016
To you, I am a butterfly, with not a care in the world. I flutter about letting you believe that I'm happy and that all is well... But the truth you don't see, is me down on my knees, praying and begging for it just to be done. Inside my mind are scary thoughts, closing in on me like predators, growling at their prey, and no matter what I do, I can't make them go away. No matter what the outside voices tell me, "You've got it pretty good" and "It'll be okay", it's the ones in my head that are shouting that I'm a failure, unworthy of love, and that I've let people down! I try to ignore them, but they've got my attention. Don't tell me to 'get over it', or to 'let it go'. I just want to be invisible and stop pretending to be ok. I try to live up to expectations, and play the role that I'm intended to play... I'll be the funny one. The one that everyone loves to be around. But what happens when little Ms. Sunshine gets mad? What happens when Pollyanna has a meltdown? Who's there to lift her? "She'll bounce back. She'll be okay!" The future is blocked by a dark cloud of hopelessness that rains down daggers of fear and insecurity. Somebody help me!! No! Just leave me alone!! I don't know how to tell you what it is that I need! I don't even know how to cope with the small things, and my inner hurts are bleeding to death, while I watch the world keep spinning around me. I'm right here, but I feel like I'm watching from another place; a spectator of myself. I'm on the outside looking in and nobody sees me. The me that you see is the me I wish I was, but I'm not, so I'll go on wearing that smiling mask, unwilling to interrupt the status quo. I'll continue being that butterfly, stuck in my own invisible cage. ~Marissa Chapman Dedicated to all of those butterflies that understand.