One Before the Other

We've heard the famous quote Faith precedes the miracle. We must believe that God is all powerful and ABLE to provide the miracle in our lives, and we must believe that He WANTS to bless us with those righteous desires of our hearts. The scriptures say that miracles have ceased because the world in general lacks the faith necessary for miracles to happen. It is so true in this day and age. The world population can't be bothered to make the effort to establish a real relationship with God. If He really exists, He should show himself! The effort is too hard. It would require sacrifice and 'ain't nobody got time for dat!', right?  Who has time to read scriptures and keep the commandments and go to church? It's a YOLO mentality out there in which people don't want to be told what to do. No way!! What kind of holier-than-thou person do we think we are if we attempt to share (push) our beliefs with others. People are offended by the very word "religion". It equates to something like organized cult, bigotry, intolerance, and it's old fashioned.
In today's society, most tend to lean towards causes instead of churches, self instead of society. Unfortunately, the "I can do whatever I please" mentality is a dangerous one. It's dangerous because instead of bringing us together in unity, it separates us, from each other as well as from God.
Going back to the subject of faith preceding the miracle, What does that kind of faith look like? If you change the noun "faith" into "faithfulness", it actually deepens the meaning. It not only suggests a belief in something, but a behaviour that stems from your belief. Have you heard the saying "Love is a verb, not a noun"? Well, the same thing can be said of faith. If you have that seed of faith, you cultivate it by demonstrating that faith through compliance to that which is required of you. But why? Why should I show my faith in some unknown God that seems to have disappeared long ago, if He ever was around in the first place? The answer?
God will never push himself onto anyone. He will gently invite and He anxiously awaits to bless those that do come to Him.  Jesus Christ invited people saying, "Come follow me" and "Behold, I stand at the door and knock". It's up to you to make an effort to build that relationship with Him.
Have you ever needed to be blessed and cried out for help? I not only believe that faith precedes the miracle, but that gratitude precedes the blessing. We must be grateful for what he have, and that spirit of gratitude will, like a magnet, draw more blessings to us. It makes sense that grateful people would be rewarded more than ungrateful, selfish people.
The decline of society's morals and values seem to be parallel to the same level in which we have pushed God out of our lives and communities.
If you are now asking which decline I'm talking about, look at what was shocking 20, 30, 40 years ago compared to what shocks us today? I don't need to list all of them. Moral decline. Immorality. Indecency. Dishonesty. Vulgarity. Disrespect. Disregard. We have embraced the new societal norms. They have become the new standard. But just because something is popular, doesn't make it accurate.
I'm sure there are many that won't even read this entire article. They will think it's just more blah blah hoopla about miracles and God, spouted by some believer. Yes, I am a believer. I believe in a God that is surely grieved by some of the choices we make, but I'm also a believer in goodness and truth and miracles and a Higher Power who is aware of us, from whom we can have true joy, and have true hope, even in the midst of hard times. Miracles do happen in individuals' lives everyday. More can happen.
Life is a gift. Life is a journey. We're all on our own journey, traveling at different speeds and taking different roads. While on this journey, we can choose to make it on our own, or we can be directed by the Maker of the Map and He who waits for us at the end of this long crazy trip called mortality.

God or Big Bang?

The Big Bang. Here's the kindergarten explanation, because it fits my level of comprehension of it all...

The theory states that the Universe began 13 + Billion years ago as a single point. So it wasn't big and probably not much bang either. My question is this:  Why does there have to be a science vs religion argument about this? You either believe in God and the creation or you believe that the Universe created itself from this singular point, although unknown as to how, and began expanding from there.

The way I see it, we don't have to believe in one or the other. If you believe in God, then you probably believe that He is all powerful and all knowing. He is the Supreme Being. So isn't it likely that He is the greatest scientist with the greatest  scientific mind and understanding that is infinitely beyond our capacity to understand or imagine. In Genesis, God said "Let there be light and there was light." Why do some doubt that yes, it was actually God that created the "Big Bang" and from there expanded, organized, and created this wonderful, glorious Universe? It makes perfect sense to me. God is also the Greatest artist, inventor, physicist, scientist, astronomer, Geneticist, and Biologist, Geologist, Botanist, Organizer, CEO, etc. etc.

Why do we doubt? Why do we insist on putting limits on He who is the Greatest of All? Is it because we can't comprehend that there is a Being, a Divine Being, in charge out there that we can't find, see, or fully understand His majesty? We are infants in our understanding of His power and capability. His ways are higher than our ways. There are brilliant men in this world. There have been throughout history, and some can't believe in the existence of God because there is no proof. What if instead of the old adage "Seeing is believing", we change it to "Believing is seeing". Seeing, not with our physical eyes, but with the eyes of our understanding...our faith that grows and expands until it is a knowledge. If we are willing, we can allow our minds and hearts to be taught by a Higher, Perfect Source of all knowledge.

Have I Done Any Good? The No-Guilt Version.

1. Have I done any good in the world today? That depends upon who you ask? I think I've done quite alright, folded laundry all night, and I'm thinking of sleeping at last. Tis noble, I know, to have a clean house, just in case The Prophet stops by, but only she who has children will know what I mean when I tell you "I promise I try" ...So wake up and look at your list. You've got 2 ward sisters in need. And your husband is gone, visit teaching at 1, and a Presidency Meeting at 6! 2. Have I done any good in the world today? Well, I managed to feed the cat. I prayed for patience and pow'r, took a 2 minute shower and Sunday's lesson prep just began. I hope that I make it, I just want a break. One more meeting and I'm going to explode! If I miss self-reliance, will I be non-compliant? Dear Bishop, just please let me know. So wake-up and and look at your list, you've got 2 ward sisters in need, and your husband's neglected, it's not what's expected..and a presidency meeting at 6! 3. Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? I'm sure doing my best, I know life is a test. I'm on a journey and hope to succeed. I'll look out for you. Please look out for me. We all need some help on our way. Only Jesus was perfect. The rest of us...not. And if you fall on your face, it's ok. But get up...and do all you can. There's still two more things on the list. Tell your loved ones you love them. Tell God that you trust Him. Oh...and a presidency meeting at 6.

Your Reflection And You

The person you see when see your reflection is a beautiful being of potential perfection. You aren't here by chance..nope! That's a deception. You were born as a baby, but you might not remember. It could have been Summer or Spring or September. You were toothless and chubby, mostly sleepy...but oh so cuddly. You started out small, but that didn't last long, no not long at all, because something happened, and you started to grow, and you grew and you grew into the you we all know. You've got a brain in your head and fingers and toes. You see with your eyes and smell with your nose. Your hair may be brownish or reddish or pink and you may have a dimple on the side of your cheek. No matter your eye color, or where you might stay, you're just right, yes you are, and we love you that way. And the best thing of all is that you can be what you choose .. a teacher, a scientist, or invent flying shoes. So every time you see your reflection, smile and wave to the person you see, because you'll be together for awhile, maybe, yes, even possibly, a thousand one weeks! Just one more thing that I wanted to say, always be kind to others each day. They may not be exactly like you, and they may not want to invent flying shoes, but inside where it matters, yes, deep in our hearts, we all are the same and that's where love starts.

Caged Butterfly

To you, I am a butterfly, with not a care in the world. I flutter about letting you believe that I'm happy and that all is well... But the truth you don't see, is me down on my knees, praying and begging for it just to be done. Inside my mind are scary thoughts, closing in on me like predators, growling at their prey, and no matter what I do, I can't make them go away. No matter what the outside voices tell me, "You've got it pretty good" and "It'll be okay", it's the ones in my head that are shouting that I'm a failure, unworthy of love, and that I've let people down! I try to ignore them, but they've got my attention. Don't tell me to 'get over it', or to 'let it go'. I just want to be invisible and stop pretending to be ok. I try to live up to expectations, and play the role that I'm intended to play... I'll be the funny one. The one that everyone loves to be around. But what happens when little Ms. Sunshine gets mad? What happens when Pollyanna has a meltdown? Who's there to lift her? "She'll bounce back. She'll be okay!" The future is blocked by a dark cloud of hopelessness that rains down daggers of fear and insecurity. Somebody help me!! No! Just leave me alone!! I don't know how to tell you what it is that I need! I don't even know how to cope with the small things, and my inner hurts are bleeding to death, while I watch the world keep spinning around me. I'm right here, but I feel like I'm watching from another place; a spectator of myself. I'm on the outside looking in and nobody sees me. The me that you see is the me I wish I was, but I'm not, so I'll go on wearing that smiling mask, unwilling to interrupt the status quo. I'll continue being that butterfly, stuck in my own invisible cage. ~Marissa Chapman Dedicated to all of those butterflies that understand.

Love Unexpectedly

Our Love Story Back in 2009, I posted a Blog entitled "Compromise Schmompromise". If you read it, you'll see that I wrote about what I hoped and dreamed was possible to find in love. I didn't fully expect that putting it out there to the universe would be somewhat of a clarion call. Here's how it came to pass.... In 2011, I moved to Utah wanting a different environment for my boys and to be closer to family. I dated and had friends, but not what I really wanted. I didn't want to settle for crumbs when I hoped for a banquet. I was social, attending single adult activities, dances, and conferences, and met great people who became wonderful friends... but as far as potential relationships go, like the adage says, "Don't make somebody a priority that only sees you as an option". In addition to that, I have 3 children, so whomever I became serious with, wouldn't see them as "baggage", but as an eternal part of me. In January 2012, a man requested my friendship on Facebook, after having seen my picture on an LDS singles group page. The page was not a dating site meant for finding somebody, but he took his chances and sent out a message asking me if I wanted an Ozzy pen pal. Normally I would ignore requests from men from around the world without having had some sort of interaction beforehand. For some reason, I didn't delete his request. I checked out his profile and photos and just let it simmer for a few months. I thought he was very cute with a friendly face and he lived on the other side of the world! What could possibly happen? In March, I accepted his friendship request and answered his message. We sent short, general messages back and forth to each other for a few days, until one Saturday evening on March 17, 2012. We had a long conversation via Facebook chat. It was honest and fun. He was kind and interesting and real about things. He didn't attempt to sell himself to me. He was friendly and funny. Before we knew it, we realized we had been chatting for 11 hours!! I knew I liked this guy. He told me that he liked me too and wanted to chat more. We did, and within a few days he asked if he could call me. I said yes! Clint and I spoke on the phone for a month until he introduced me to Skype, which is awesome! We began skyping in April 2012 and our friendship developed into a deeper, more meaningful relationship. By summer 2012 we knew that we had to meet if this was going to ever go any further. We talked about it and he applied for a visa to come over. Along the way, doubts crept in as we wondered whether this could really even work. Should we walk away? How could we? We would never know unless we followed through. We would die wondering! His visa came through and a wonderful friend provided a miracle and offered us a stand-by ticket so he could come sooner. He would come for General Conference and we would meet!! I was so excited and nervous, but mostly excited and happy!! When he arrived on 4/3/2013, I felt like I had known him forever. We had already developed a deep foundation of friendship and even more than that - a meaningful relationship. The only difference was now it was tangible. It wasn't any more real to me. It had been real. My feelings were real. But now he could be real to others too. From the moment he got off the plane, we felt so comfortable around each other. I loved him. He was beautiful...even more beautiful and perfect in person. We spent the next week building on the great foundation and confirming the obvious chemistry that must be present in any good relationship. There was no question in my mind. He was the one I described in my blog just 4 years earlier. We had so much in common and we thought so alike. I felt like God had hand picked him for me and put him in my path just like I knew was possible. He was my perfect match. He surprised me at around midnight on the night of April 9th and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes!! Never had anyone been so gentle and kind and good and attentive to me. Never had anyone been such an example of honesty and integrity. He was spiritual, compassionate, patient, understanding, generous. He made me a priority in his daily life. We were both willing to do whatever it would take to be together forever. We knew that in the beginning we would have to be apart alot. We would have to miss being with our spouse on a daily basis. We knew it. We understood it. We saw past the here and now, into a future that would allow us, if we both made the effort it would take, to be with each other forever. We laughed. We cried. We knew it was right. If God had blessed us so richly to be able to meet, get to know eachother, make the path open for us to come together...how could we allow any possible challenge keep us from being married? Why would we? Sure, we could have focused on all of the possible obstacles that we would face being a long distance couple, but we chose instead to have faith and confidence that God would continue to bless us, just as he had all along our journey thus far. The next morning, Wed., April 10th, I made some phone calls to find out if was even possible for us to be married, while Clint was here visiting. We didn't know what hurdles there would be. We were surprised to find out that it was possible. We also didn't expect what happened next. The lady at the courthouse told is that there was a judge that had an appt available that day...that morning!!! Wait. We wanted to get married, but I didn't have a dress or shoes with me. I wasn't expecting it to happen that day. We prayed and talked about it and decided, why not that day? Yes. We had been blessed in so many ways and this was another door opening for us. We knew what we wanted. We discussed the fact that this would be a marriage, but not a traditional wedding. It would be the two of us, in a private and intimate ceremony committing to each other our devotion and our loyalty and our love. This was Clint and I saying to each other, "I love you and am willing to commit to you and to do whatever it takes to come back to each other and to love each other and be there for each other, even with time and distance in between us. I am yours and you are mine." We were sad that there wasn't time to call everyone and invite everyone, but really it was okay. We knew there would be possible opposition or people questioning our decision. We knew it was right and that was good enough for us. We were happy and loved each other. The absolute truth is that both of us had been married before. We had dated. We knew that what we had together, we never had before with anyone else...ever. As soon as we made the decision, everything fell into place! Our angel friend, Janine, "just happened" to have a never-been-worn gorgeous dress in her closet that "just happened" to fit me like a glove. She called another angel, Jill, and they went and bought me some lovely shoes and a bouquet while Clint and I got ready, and they met us at the courthouse. Im telling you, it worked perfectly, like it was planned. Jill even knew the judge that performed the ceremony. It was so positive and joyous and sweet. I married my very best friend, and was walking on air! April 10 goes down in my life's story as one of the happiest, best days, because of you..Clint Chapman. Im so happy to be your wife, your partner, and the recipient of your wonderful love. I love you with my whole soul, now and forever... xxxxxx

Light - my talk.

Light - I want to talk to you about light. I've been pondering these messages for a few weeks. This is such an exciting time to take our mortal journey!! We were saved for this time...each one of us. I used to feel like the awkward, athletically challenged kid that the coach keeps on the bench until the 3rd or 4th quarter and only puts in the game because he has to, but waits until a time when we're ahead by a lot and I couldn't mess anything up. Now that Im older, I know better. Now I know that God put me and you here in the final part because of our strength. When I was 16, I received my patriarchal blessing that assured me that I actually was saved for these times because I was valiant in the pre mortal existence. We that are here were all valiant spirits. We fought against the opposition. We stood up and defended Father's plan. We were saved for the time when Satan would use his might and forces to try and wreak havoc on Gods plan. He will fail, but he will take as many casualties as he can with him. I think Heavenly Father is so perfectly wise, that even Satan's attempt to foil God's plan is actually part of the plan, for there must needs be opposition in all things. There is nothing that God doesn't know. If we stay close to God and follow the Savior and have the Holy Ghost as our constant guide..lighting our way, we will make it all the way. We have a living Prophet, the scriptures, leaders, and our own 6th sense, and I don't mean the ability to see dead people. Our 6th sense is the enlightenment or personal revelation. We as baptized and confirmed members have the gift of the Holy Ghost, but every man and woman born into this world was born with the Light of Christ or the Spirit of Christ. D&C 84:46 the spirit giveth light to every man that cometh into the world and the spirit enlighteneth every man through the world that hearkeneth to the voice of the spirit. There's a story, and I don't know if it's true or not, but it tells of a woman that lived on the coast of Ireland. She was quite wealthy and when electricity was made available to private residences, she was one of the first in area to have it installed in her home. After it was all connected, some time passed, someone from the power company came to see her at her home. There was very little usage and so they came to make sure she knew how to use it and if she was happy with it, and mostly to know why she wasn't using it. When they asked her if she was using it, she answered happily, "oh yes, I use it every day at sundown. I turn on the light long enough to light all of my candles, and then I turn it off." - are we like that in the sense that we choose to live on lesser light when we have so much greater light and power available to us? God is light. The beginning of the Creation began with "god said let there be light and there was light and god saw the light that it was good and god divided the light from the darkness." The opening of this last dispensation when truth was again restored to the earth began with this event.."I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head above the brightness of the sun..." In today's world the only way to survive not being consumed by the influences and constant infiltration of the things that pull us away from Zion or that dim the light is to make sure we are charging our spiritual batteries, nourishing ourselves spiritually everyday... Everyday...everyday. Feast upon the word! Fill our lamps! 10 virgins had oil in their lamps..Was it the oil that was the most important or was the oil of conversion necessary so that they could have light of testimony to shine during the darkness while awaiting the Bridegroom? So, how do we keep the light bright? We must Pray..and not just say our prayers. Study the scriptures. Get to know the prophets and their experiences and how God helped them and what he said to them. We can Apply them to our lives and find answers to our prayers in them. If we study them and learn them, on those occasions when we need answers or want to share a scripture with somebody, they will be brought to our minds. Clint and I have been invited to attend a bible study group in our neighborhood. It's hosted by people that are of another faith. We go so we can share what we believe and plant seeds and because we love discussing the things of God. Some people there don't believe that there is just one true church and have a hard time with people that claim to belong to the only true church, so we look for ways to share what it is that this church has that makes it so true. Don't just know the church is true..know WHY and HOW you know the church is true. Dont just simply know that the Book of Mormon is true, but know what's in that wonderful book which testifies of Jesus Christ and confirms and clarifies everything in the Bible. Know the bible too. Read about Gods dealings with men throughout the ages. Make the light of your testimony be as a neverending fire kept bright by the light of the Son...S-O-N- and not just a candle. In my life, when young I lived on borrowed light from my family until I had my own candlelight of a testimony and as I got older, I wanted more and more and before I went on my mission, I fed that fire until it was strong and during that time, I felt so happy. That's what the gospel does, it brings joy and fulfillment and peace and perspective. There were other times later that I didn't nourish my testimony and again I was walking around with just a flicker at times. Trying to move through mists of darkness with just a flicker is not recommended. The first or second time Clint and I went to Bali, we stayed in an area near a surf beach that was not very developed. To get to our room we had to go down about 100 or more steps that were uneven, rocky, and they wound around this very dense tropical vegetation. One late afternoon we went for a walk up the steps to look for a place to eat. I was worried about not getting back down those steps before sundown. I knew that a small light from a phone wasn't going to cut it and that's all we had. Well, I had a prayer in my heart and we may have even said a vocal prayer together because when we got to the top of those steps, guess what. It. Was. Dark.! Now what? Clint is way more adventurous and brave than me and he was sure that we could do make it but me...well, I absolutely hate pain and try to avoid breaking my ankle or neck and falling down steps as much as possible, so I was worried. I think I must have been sending out major help messages to heaven, because within a few minutes somebody more prepared than we came along with their hands full but with a beautiful bright headlamp on. They went ahead and must have felt sorry for us poor foreigners because every few steps, they would turn around and light our way to come down the steps. What a miracle! I was so grateful. How in the world are we supposed to be in this world and not of this world unless we have a bright consistently well lit light. We are living in dark times as far as how much negative influences are surrounding us. God wants a powerful people. As we learned in our lessons last week, He wants us to be lighthouses built on solid rock shining through the dark to guide others to safety. He doesn't want us to be half-hearted and mediocre in our gospel living. He wants us to be anxiously engaged in the building of his kingdom. We want to be ready when he comes again. How do we do it? How do we keep from being overly distracted by the unimportant things and neglecting our lights? Elder Richard G. Scott taught us: “Satan has a powerful tool to use against good people. It is distraction. He would have good people fill life with ‘good things’ so there is no room for the essential ones. Have you unconsciously been caught in that trap?” Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: “Many individuals preoccupied by the cares of the world are not necessarily in transgression. But they certainly are in diversion and thus waste ‘the days of [their] probation’ (2 Ne. 9:27). . . . Some proudly live ‘without God in the world’ (Alma 41:11).” Do we try to live without God too much of the time? Satan is so astute and cunning that among the elect, he doesn't focus on getting us to kill or steal or lie or cheat or commit sins that we have to go to the bishop about, but he is also using not so bad and harmless things to take the place of better things with the justification that We're not doing anything wrong. The Lord said, “My kingdom is not of this world” (John 18:36), and, “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever” (1 John 2:15–17). God has to be first in our lives. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me. Are our eyes single to His glory, or do we put him in the "when I have time" category? If we want to be worthy to live in the Celestial kingdom, we should be trying to prepare to be celestial residents now while on this earth. We won't just wake up on the other side deserving of exaltation if we aren't really striving to be fit for the kingdom. We can't just be less wicked than everyone else. We can't have virtue garnish our thoughts a lot of the time. Christ never said, "if ye love me keep most of the commandments or As I have loved you, love those that are loveable. Pay your tithing if you think you'll have enough money and remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy until you get home from church. We have been told to put off the natural man. Don't be distracted by materialism. You won't be judged by how much money or what kind of car or how popular or if you were the best at some sport. You'll be judged by how you took care of those around you. The greatest of all is charity. If we gain the whole world and have not charity, we missed the point of this life. Since the heavens have reopened and the gospel has been restored, more advances have been made in discovery of science, technology, inventions. The knowledge is expanding..our knowledge of God and of things of this world that he would have us know to progress. We live in an age of technology. Theres no denying it. Our children are bilingual in this second language, a cyber language... youth, am I right? idk rofl btw omg jk brb BFF ASAP FYI tmi ttyl. They can't text at the speed of sound. Everything is at the swipe of the finger. It's all on google YouTube spotify Facebook Instagram twitter and Pinterest. So Now, we not only have to be vigilant and careful to not be of this world, but we have to not get lost in cyberspace!! To the youth, you are under siege everyday by people from the great and spacious building. You would be mocked for keeping the commandments, doing what right, and standing up for truth and righteousness. Don't be ashamed. Easier said than done, I know. the world wants you to believe that you are defined by your appearance and your accomplishments and your status and coolness. just remember as I said in the beginning of my talk...you have been saved for this time. If the veil were to disappear for a moment and you could see yourselves and who you were and how strong you were in the pre-existence and how determined you were to fight for righteousness, you would be in awe at yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything convince you otherwise!! Fill yourselves with light everyday to give yourselves strength to resist and stand tall. Jesus Christ is the light of this world. His word is a lamp to our feet. He is the antidote to the distractions of this world and the lies of the adversary. He makes clear our vision of who we are and our purpose of our mortal journey here on earth. Satan tries to blur this vision by making us feel scared and insecure and overwhelmed and worthless and like we just can't do it...so we might as well quit. We have to trust in The Lord and he will bless us...if we have faith in Him, we can overcome. 2 Tim 1:7-8. He wants to bless us too, but we have to give him our hearts, we have to love him and trust him and do as he asks. We have to be as good as we can be and repent and keep going. The atonement, the perfect atonement of the Savior helps us get through, with it's healing power. It heals our sufferings and sorrows and keeps us from spiritual death. Prophets throughout history have looked to our day with rejoicing because the last days signify the long foretold coming of the Son of God in power and great glory and the commencement of the thousand years of peace upon the earth. They saw our day. They saw us and what we would have to go through. And aren't we fortunate to have all the scriptures and words of the prophets to help us see and recognize the signs and give us faith and courage to thrive during this time of chaos and turmoil in the world? When we do things that make our lights brighter, we have more hope, more happiness, an increased desire to be good.... more charity...less fear, less despair.. Some of my top 1000 scriptures are -Ephesians 4:27 Neither give place to the devil. -Jacob 6:12 Oh be wise! what can I say more? Both of those are only 8 syllables long but say so much. I also love sections 76, 88, and 93 read them today while you're keeping the Sabbath day holy :) but my favorite scripture is in D&C 50:24-25 the perfect day is when the Savior comes and I can kneel at his feet and he will know me because I have tried to be like him. I know Jesus Is the Christ. He is the son of God and he lives. He is the Savior. I know Heavenly Father loves us and has provided this gospel as a perfect plan for our progression and growth. I know the scriptures are true, the bible and the Book of Mormon together testify of Jesus Christ. I know the truth in its pure form has been restored and that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ and was the prophet of the restoration. I know we are lead by a living Prophet and 12 apostles. I know the Savior is going to return and we must have enough light in our lamps to make it through the dark night until he comes. I testify that by study and prayer and by the Holy Ghost I have come to know that this gospel is complete and it is true and has everything we need to return to live with Heavenly Father. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

The wonderful Land of Oz

There's a place that I love... The people are Ozzies The mosquitos are mozzies. The forest is called "bush" and the outback don't serve steak, but there's a really great chance you'll see a striped snake. You'll hear "how ya goin" "cheers" "g'day" and "no worries". They play footy and rugby and netball and cricket. The sidewalk is a footpath, the driveway a carpark and stores are called shops...but get there by 5 because everything shuts. You don't rent movies or cars, you hire them, and I reckon you could hire a car and go to the cinema. I recommend you get a chocbomb when you go! They're yum, hey? A chicken is a chook and if you're sick you're crook. When you go running, you put on your runners and when you head to the beach, you wear your bathers and sunnies, but you may want to bring a jumper in case it gets cold. So, chuck it all in the boot and head to the beach! Don't forget to stop at the petrol station and fill your tank for about $1.60 per litre. A barbecue is always great at the beach! But you won't hear anyone tell you to throw a shrimp on the barbie... In Oz they're called prawns, but more likely you'll have a nice sausage sizzle. They eat sausage dogs not hot dogs, meat pies not pot pies, biscuits not cookies, lollies not candy, the French fries are chips and they're great with some fish. They also eat rock melon, coriander and capiscum, which you'll recognize when you see them and they're all delicious. So head to this wonderland down under! You'll want to stay there for ages and you'll have heaps of fun!! I <3 Australia!!! Cheers!

Love and be Lovable

Life is unpredictable with Neverending variables that seem sometimes too scariable. There are moments so incredible, you know, the ones indelible with friends that are delectable, collectible, respectable. We know that we are fallible, but perfectable, with challenges detectable. We strive to be teachable, reachable, and must be bendable and flexible on those days so quite perplexible. We search for those that are trustable, as this is just a mustable, while we sift through the pretendables, the endables, and "on their way" so sendables that treat us as expendables, in hopes of finding that one so loveable, huggable, kissable, keepable...that gives us joy so heapable. If we find one that is takeable, we give our heart so breakable. A risk? It's unmistakeable!! But With hopes of love unshakeable, and makeable, and not so very acheable. When you know for sure they're cleavable and never want to leavable, your lives become, well, weavable and if this sounds perceivable, then make it your achievable, because eternity is long, so make it great......no, make it UNBELIEVABLE!!!! :)

My Version of the Restoration

The Saviors elevation after his Church organization was not the termination of His gospel foundation. He left his apostolic administration, but eventual segregation lead to de-unification, doctrinal fragmentation, and truth disfiguration. The result - religious degeneration, and his apostles' assassinations brought apostasy causation and revelation cessation. Eventually came spiritual darkness for many generations. Later, a religious reformation and good men inspired to give us a bible translation. Colombus' inspiration began a maritime exploration... and in 1492 -The Discovery of a Nation! This was followed by a mass migration of those seeking religious liberation and Battles were fought for an Independence Declaration. In 1820, a young boy's spiritual contemplation and a James 1 quotation prompts a prayerful supplication. A Godly visitation! A miraculous conversation! What wondrous elation! Righteous determination, was Joseph's devotion and dedication, but some disbeliever hesitation brings adverse tribulations. A messenger tells of promised salvation and truth clarification in a record from an ancient nation, which lead to the excavation, translation, and publication. Spiritual renovation and rejuvenation! How firm a foundation! A gospel restoration in this last dispensation! Marissa Chapman Sept 2015

The Perfect Doll

Today was the day! The excitement she felt inside was so close to the surface that she thought she would burst. She could barely sleep the night before in anticipation for this day. She had awaited it for such a long time. It had been highlighted on her small calender that she had on a little white table next to her bed. Everynight before she went to sleep, she would cross off the day and count the remaining until this day. And now it was here. It was October 17th. The day her dad was taking her to the toystore to buy a new doll.

She didn't have a specific doll in mind. She had seen all of the commercials on TV with all of the different ones she could choose from. There were the ones that talk, drink, give a bath to, and even change the diaper. She didn't necessarily care so much about the features of the doll as much as she did about how she would feel when she would hold that doll in her arms. You see, she wanted to take care of her doll and love it. She wanted to protect it and make it happy. She would show her doll just how lucky it was to have her. She had so much to give and wanted to give it all to this new doll that she would treasure.

Up until now, it had been just her and her dad, and he was the most important person in her life. She adored him and he would do anything for her. She was such a lovable little girl. She had a personality that made everyone love her. She had charisma, sweetness, and an ability to laugh and see the goodness in everything around her. She would do anything for anybody, even if they didn't quite deserve it. She loved to give, even if the only thing she had to give was a kind word or a smile. But, the best thing about her was her natural ability to love. Since she was very young, she loved to be affectionate and hug and cuddle. She loved to touch and feel. Maybe this was due to the fact that as a baby, she couldn't be touched very much. She was born with so many problems that the first few years of her life were spent in and out of doctors offices and operating rooms. All of these wonderful qualities made up for any small problems that she might have had in other areas. Those didn't so matter so much. Her dad made her feel like a princess and she thought him a king.

The day began early as she ran into her father's room and climbed up onto his bed. She awoke him, not with demanding shouts to wake up, but with a great big hug and gentle whispers in his ear.
"Do you remember what today is?"
He pretended not to remember and asked, "Is it first day of school?"
"No, that was last month! Today is the day we go to the Toy Store." She responded.
"Oh yes, that's right? Well then, we better get ready!"
He was just as anxious to see her happy as she was to find her new treasured friend. He knew she never asked for very much. But this is something she wanted so very badly and he knew it.

They drove to the store and parked the car. She grabbed her dad's hand and practically pulled him across the parking lot. They entered the store and she knew exactly where they were headed. She could not be distracted by all of the other featured toys that were displayed all over the store. She wasn't moved by the lights and sounds of the electronics, neither was she tempted by the flashy handheld games with all of their promises of audiovisual stimulation. She was focused and she had a feeling that her new doll was as anxious for her arrival as she was to find her.

As they neared the area of the store with all of the dolls, she let go of her father's hand and skipped ahead of him a few yards. "Come on, dad!" she urged anxiously.
Her dad knew how excited she was for this day and how much she had thought and dreamed about this moment. He wanted to let her soak it all in and explore all of her possibilities. They had talked about the price range she would have to stay within and the rest was up to her.

She walked right past the Barbie Dolls. Not only were they too small and skinny, but they were kind of cold due to the fact that they had every material thing that a human had. She looked for a doll that would appreciate her and be a little less focused on all of the material things.

She took a few minutes with each doll, picking it up, holding it, rocking it, and examining all of it's hands and feet and hair. She was interrupted by another girl who was with her mom. This other girl was crying about something that she wanted. But she wasn't just crying. She was really mad and was yelling at her mom so loud that other people in the store looked over to see what was going on. The girl didn't seem to mind that she was drawing so much attention to herself, and continued to cry and scream and after another minute or two, started to jump up and down and get all red in the face. She told her mom that she was a bad mom for not getting her the toy she wanted. Was that true? Was her mom bad for not getting her what she wanted? She must really want something bad to be so hurtful to her mom. Why didn't her mom just give it to her? Did she believe that tantruming and screaming would get her what she wanted? Her mom soon took her and guided her out of the department and probably out of the store. She wondered why the girl didn't just ask her mom more nicely about the toy. She looked over at her dad to see him just shaking his head a little but when he caught his daughter's glance, he gave her a wink and a big smile.

She went back to her task at hand. She really like the dolls that had arms and legs that could move because she really wanted to be able to teach her how to dance and walk and do all of the fun things that required agility and mobility. She didn't mind if they didn't have hair or not. Hair could be fun, but could also be a problem if she got candy or gum stuck in it. One thing that she did want was a doll that was happy. She wanted her doll to have a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. That way she would know that she was happy all the time. She didn't want her new best friend to ever be mad at her and tell her she was a bad friend or to be crying loud just to get what she wanted.

She walked over to her dad and asked, "Do you think I'll ever find the right one, Dad?" Her dad answered her with the wisdom that only a father can have. "You don't need to be in a hurry, darling. Take your time and find just the right one. After all, you are going to be together for a long time, so you need to make sure you pick the best one for you."

With that encouragement, she walked back to where she left off. There was another older girl close by, but she was focused on one specific doll. It was a smaller doll. A doll that looked like a teenager with makeup on. It was okay, but it had it didn't have a very friendly face. The girl looked around, as if to check if her mom was around. Maybe she was lost. She walked around the corner for a minute and then came back, only she wasn't carrying the doll anymore. Where did she put it. Did she change her mind about the doll and leave it somewhere? How could she be so focused on the doll one moment and then just let it go? The girl suddenly didn't seem to care at all about the dolls. She seemed in a hurry to get out of that section. She even bumped into the little girl as if she didn't even notice she was there. What happened? Maybe she was sick. Suddenly, two men in uniforms walked up to her as she was hurrying off and asked her to open the bag she was carrying. Just then, a man came walking up looking for her. The man asked these two men what problem they had with his daughter. He stopped mid sentence when he saw her take the teenage looking doll out of her bag. He just looked at her for a minute and asked her, "You were stealing that doll? Why would you steal? You know better than that!" She answered him softly, "You said I couldn't have it and I really wanted it, so I decided to take it anyway."

The two men in uniform asked them to follow them to a different place. They started to follow them. The girl looked scared and started crying as they walked away. The little girl wondered what they would do to her. Would she go to jail? Why didn't her dad buy the doll? He must have told her the reason. Why would she steal it and risk getting into so much trouble? Once again, she caught her dad's glance and this time they just looked at eachother, and without words, she told him that she never wanted to do that and it was a bit scary.

As she approached the end of the doll aisle, she noticed something. Inside a plastic display case, was the most beautiful doll she had ever seen. It's long flowing curly hair was the exact same color blonde as hers and she even had green eyes, just like her! She wanted to hold it and examine it as she did the others, but she couldn't. The only thing she could do was push a red button that said 'Demo' next to it. She pushed the big, red button and couldn't believe what happened next. This most beautiful doll she had ever seen came alive! She began to move and talk. She looked so real and so life-like. After a moment of talking, she began to sing a song. Not just any song either. It was the song that her dad sang to her everynight. She instantly knew that this was the doll she wanted. She called her dad over and announced that she had made her choice and this was the one she wanted. She showed the demo to her dad, explaining that the eyes blinked and she could talk and sing and move and read books that were sold separately at $12.95 a piece. This was the doll she wanted. She asked her dad to reach one of the large boxes that were up on one of the higher shelves.

She was so happy! She was beginning to wonder if she would ever find just the right doll and here it was right in front of her! She knew she had made the right choice and that she was going to love this doll with all of her heart forever and ever. Her father even agreed that it was a beautiful, fabulous doll. The only thing left to do was to bring it home and hook her up to her dad's computer and digitally program her with all of her personal information so they could interact. She was so excited. This was going to bring her so much joy. But her excitement quickly changed to sorrow when her dad told her that she would have to choose another doll. He told her that this one was way too expensive. It was more than double the price that they had discussed paying. It was an amazing doll, but the cost was too great! She felt her heart start to break inside of her chest. She could feel the tears welling up inside of her eyes. She could feel her mouth start to curl like it always did whenever she wanted to cry. A few quick breaths escaped her before her dad scooped her up into his arms, allowing her to bury her face into his neck. She just stayed there for awhile. What could she do? Her father held her as tight as he ever had and just kept telling her that he loved her and that together they would find a special doll that she could love and hold and take care of and that that doll would be perfect.

The little girl cried some but looked up in time to see the older girl walking out of some office followed by her dad and some police officers. She was also crying and her dad had his arm around her shoulder, but he didn't look too happy. The girl was glad she wasn't in trouble for stealing like that girl. Her dad asked her if she still felt like looking for a doll and she shook her head no. With her dad still holding on tight and carrying her toward the exit, the little girl noticed the other little girl that was still crying and tantruming about something that she wanted. The mom was telling her that not only was she not going to get what she wanted but she was going to go home and go spend some time alone in her room. She again was glad not to be that girl. She was sad that she couldn't have the beautiful blonde doll that seemed to be the perfect one, but she was glad to be in the loving arms of her father and she knew that what he said was true. They were going to find that perfect doll together and it would be the right one for her. She didn't know when it would be, but she trusted that her dad would keep his promise and help her. She squeezed her dad as tight as she could and told him that she loved him as they walked out of the store and back to the car. Her father thought to himself how very proud he was of his daughter for trusting in him. He loved her so much and knew that she deserved so much more and he vowed to himself, and silently to her, that he would make sure that before too long, she would get all that she deserved and even more.

It's all part of "The Plan"!

I haven't written in quite some time. This summer was bumpy. I won't go into the details because, frankly, I don't feel like reliving them. It's now Labor Day weekend. Summer is officially over. No more white clothing. What? I always hated that "law"...no white after Labor Day. My boys are with their dad this weekend and he took them to visit his family in Utah, so I get the whole weekend to myself. One of the things that I decided I would do is spend some time writing. I love to write, nothing in particular, just start and see where my thoughts take me. Unlike some bloggers, I'm not one to tell about vacations or family outings as much as I tell about what's going on in this ol' brain of mine. And honestly, I don't really blog for the purpose of having others read it, even though I have 2 followers. Thanks Traci and Danielle! I mostly blog because I enjoy sitting down at the computer and doing some self-introspection while I listen to some good music. Sometimes I repeat things that I have said on other blog entries. I guess that just means that those are things that I am thinking about alot. Ok, well here goes.......free writing. Enjoy!

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to chat with someone that I haven't spoken to in approximately 2o years. It was fun. The only part that I really hate about that is that they want me to fill them in on everything thats happened in my life in that past 2 decades. I usually start out by telling that I am recently divorced and from there, after they express their sympathies, I explain how it's a good thing and that I am ok about it. I will then go into about how I came to the decision to get divorced and where the marriage failed. Why do I feel the need to do this? I never even ask the person if they want to hear this whole explanation. I just automatically start justifying my decision to end my marriage. I guess I know why I do it. I do it because I grew up learning and I believe, no, I know that divorce is not a good thing. It hurts all involved.

When I got married, I thought it was forever. I intended for it to be forever. Even though I knew that I wasn't perfect and neither was the guy I was marrying, I thought that if we loved eachother and worked at making it last, we could make it work. The key phrase is: "if we loved eachother and worked at making it last". If one or both stop working at it for whatever reason, then its hard. Understandably too, I guess, is the reasoning that when it's all such hard work, and not much joy, it gets absolutely exhausting. You start to wonder if marriage is supposed to be so dang exhausting. I certainly have seen couples that make it look easy, and fun to be married and wonder if they are the exception rather than the rule. It just makes me crazy that such a difficult decision like choosing a person to live with and love for the rest of your life is taken on at such a young age. I remember feeling like an old maid when I was single at 24 yrs of age. Now, I look back and think that, like drinking alcohol, marriage should have a legal coming of age!! I know that this is the ramblings of one who didn't make good decisions and is trying to justify her bad decisions by blaming it on society and the rules of society. The truth is that I'm sure I knew in my heart of hearts that I was making a bad decision and went through with it anyway. Why? Because that's just where I was at the time. I wasn't trying to be stupid or rebellious, I just made a mistake, and am living with the consequences of that mistake. He wasn't a bad person, but there were red flags. That's the thing: you have the freedom to make choices, but you do not have the freedom to choose the consequences of those choices. It's a package deal. Sorry. I am now trying to take inventory of the lessons I learned from those choices so as not to continue to make the same mistakes. Isn't that what life is all about?

Ok, here is the crux of the matter!! The point that I really want to talk about. Talking about my marriage is boring and uninteresting. I talk about it all the time and I know, without anyone telling me, that it is excruciatingly painful to listen to anymore!!

The real point is this: We are sent here to this earth for a brief mortal sojourn for a reason. We are all different and have different strengths and weaknesses that we were born with. We will all make different mistakes and we will all accomplish different things during this short time that we exist on this planet. Some may wonder if our being here even has any significance. Well, I strongly believe that it does. Every part of me believes that God sent us here to earth for a purpose. He knows us and knows that we are going to make mistakes. He didn't just place us here and hope that we don't screw ourselves up too badly.

So we come to this earth, sometimes under ideal circumstances, sometimes not. We go through this life taking from every experience, every circumstance, and from these we form our own perceptions. These things form who we are. We absorb everything - every word we are told, every emotion that we feel, everything we see, hear and participate in. Every single thing goes into to making us who we will be. We absorb it all, we record it all, and it becomes a part of us. There are some things that make a bigger impression on our souls than others. There are things that really define us and go into the formation of our core belief systems and our characters. The hope is that we are funneled more positive, and the negative, more damaging things, will be filtered with the help of parents, teachers, loved one, and other mentors. Unfortunately, as we have seen, the ones who should be protecting kids from the damaging things are sometimes those very people that do the most damage. Ouch! God knew that there would be sickos and psychos and wackos all having babies and doing a wonderful job in messing up these kids' lives. He knew and he knows and he cares. All will be taken into consideration when it comes time to evaluate our lives. Every circumstance, every chemical imbalance, every teaching or lack of teaching, every experience and every thought that went into the making of every decision that we make will be taken into consideration. Those who were taught more and had more opportunities for learning in a healthy environment will be held more accountable obviously. That makes sense.

I know that God exists and I know that He is aware of us. We are His spirit children. He cares about us and how we are doing. He is in charge. I know that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to show us the way and to break chains that we couldn't possibly break on our own. He also loves us more than we will ever understand. Of course bad things happen sometimes. These things are allowed to happen not to hurt us or punish us, but to help us grow and become stronger and learn. We have all heard the addage: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger! It's so true! If we were spared from all of the adversity and hard lessons, we wouldn't be able to learn and grow as much as we do when we choose to try to learn from every experience, positive and negative, that we go through. What about the children, the innocent children, that should never have to experience suffering, molestation, abuse, etc. Well, I agree that this is the most tragic part of it all. But I also believe that God is with those little ones and somehow gives them some added protection. Those that hurt children are in sorry shape when their day comes to answer to God. Even the ones that seem to go unpunished here will one day get their just punishment. God's timetable is not always our timetable. We just need to believe that He can see the whole picture and knows the end from the beginning and all will be settled in the end.

We all have to go through our own individual life. There are countless things that I have gone through in my life that I feel just aren't fair. If I analyze them all honestly, I have to admit that some of those things happened as a result of choices that I made earlier in my life. This life has a purpose. It is meant as a time for learning and growth. Learning how to function, learning how to master our appetites and passions, learning how to help others along on their journey through this life. We are all in this together. Unfortunately as we get older and get out of elementary school, there is nobody there to keep reminding us to share, to learn how to get along, to keep our hands to ourselves, to not say mean things to eachother, to not take things that don't belong to us, and to be sure to take turns.

I have a strong belief in the power of faith and prayer. I believe in miracles. I have had them in my own life. I know God can make more of me than I could ever do on my own, so I try to keep Him involved as much as I possibly can and trust He can make a way when it seems that there couldn't possibly be a way. He's done it for me. He can put thoughts into my brain and feelings into my heart that help me in my life. He can comfort me and give me peace and hope. I rely on Him. I love Him and I hope to one day be able to kneel before Him and His Son and thank them.

Don't ever give up! Sometimes we can't see the whole picture because of the problems we are facing and those problems seem so big that they block out everything else from our view. We can't see the future because we have this big obstacle in our way. If we hold up our thumb in front of the sun, we can actually hide the sun from our view. Are we actually covering up the sun? No, but our perspective is temporarily obstructed and we can't see "the light of day" due to that obstacle right in front of us.

God is in charge! It's all part of His "Plan"! He's there, He's aware, and He cares! This I know. If we stay close to Him, He will guide back to Him and hopefully we will have gotten out of this experience all that we needed to, and all that He would want us to.

Thanks for stopping by!

A Piece of Me

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I am just going to write and write until it's all out. Writing is therapy for me. It allows me to put all my feelings into words, and in doing so, discovering myself a little more. Doing this on my blog lets you share the experience and get to know me better. Buckle your seatbelts.

First thought: I wonder what it would feel like to achieve perfect balance in one's life. Isn't that the ultimate goal? To have the scale not be tipped too far to any one side? I'm a Libra (the scale) and sometimes my scale tips so far to one side that it catapults everything else off the scale, but not very often. Thank goodness. Of all the sides of the scale: emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual, the area in which I have the most work to do is the emotional side, I guess. I'm not a complete emotional wreck, but in the category of emotional are the sub-categories of trust, control, fears, self acceptance, boundaries, etc. And I'm no professional, I'm just going by what I have experienced. These other issues are the ones that I need to work on. Trust is a big one-knowing who to trust and who not to trust, how much trust to give, and when to give it. I tend to just dump it all out on the table right at first, and this is horribly dangerous and so reflective of my neediness. Ouch! That hurt just to say. To the receiver of this, it usually causes one reaction: terror and the desire to run, not walk, in the opposite direction. That's what I've observed at least. Unless the receiver is also a needy person. LOL. Then we can sit and stew together in one another's codepedence. MMmmmm, codependence stew! How toxic does that sound?

I think one of my problems that I need to get a handle on is that I love to be expressive. If I feel something, I express it. I say what I feel. I say too much. And along with that love of being expressive is the love of feeling. I love to feel....deeply feel. I love to laugh! Really. I'm talking gut busting, side splitting, eye watering, laughter. It doesn't happen very often, but I love it. It' the best. On the other hand, when I have sorrow I let myself really feel the sorrow. I let that sorrow become tangible by crying. Tears are touchable sorrow. Just ask my sons...they'll confirm it. If the sorrow is really deep, I cry out loud. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it's not too bad. The only thing I can say in my defense is that doing this helps me feel more alive.

When I listen to a song....I feel the song. I feel the words. I will just start spontaneously dancing or close my eyes and sing along and soak in the feelings that I am having about it. I would like to delve into that a little more but I will hold off for now. Another feeling that I love to really feel is when I feel in the Spirit. Very emotional for me. It just makes me want to pray and be so grateful for that blessing of having that experience. I can't even explain this one.

Going back to the being expressive part......I didn't always know how to do this. I couldn't express my self or put my feelings into words. I'm still learning how to do it effectively but I love it nevertheless. In my home, I not only have 5 volumes of journals (had 6 but lost my mission journal), but I also have notebooks with thoughts and ideas. If I hear a good quote from a talk or a line or monologue from a movie, I grab a notebook or a scrap of paper and jot it down. If a friend gives me some good advice, I write it down. I have so many pieces of paper jammed into my journals that I have to transfer. Big, small, and sticky notes, full of poems, song lyrics too. It's crazy! It's all part of MY book of Life! It's priceless to me.

I love to express myself so much that at times, it is dangerous. I say things I feel, and in some cases, I'm feeling things that I maybe I shouldn't....so guess what? It comes out. I may not feel that same feeling in 2 minutes or 2 hours or 2 days, but I felt then, in that moment. It comes out. This excludes hurtful or mean things normally. I hate mean people including myself when I am being mean. This attribute, that of saying what I feel in the moment, is sometimes too much for some people. I try not to scare people, but it most assuredly happens...inevitably and unavoidably.

I truly believe that God gave us this wonderful body, with all of its' exquisite abilities for a purpose. Our minds and bodies with their limitless capabilities are not intended to go unused. I believe, (and let me emphasize I) that He wants us to feel and experience our capacities. And of course we have to learn to bridle them and not go crazy. I believe that this life is a process of becoming and learning how to do this.....this is the hope atleast, but not everyone does. I think that He realizes that we will inevitably sow some wild oats and battle a lot of demons on this path to self mastery and some of those battles with some of those demons will be a lot harder than others. We all have different demons and different issues to deal with and master too. That's ok. That's a given. I'm not (too) embarassed to admit that I am a pretty "sensory" person. I love to feel every emotion: joy, sadness, touch, passion, etc. Am I the only one who thinks that its ok to be a spiritual giant and a freak?? Did I say that out loud? Perfect example of my expressiveness? Ok, now we're back to where I began. 360.

Balance. Keep the scales balanced. Going overboard in any one area isn't healthy, just as neglecting any one side isn't healthy. Like Mr. Miyagi said to Daniel-san, "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, [life] good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up and go home. Understand?"

Now you have officially had a piece of me. Don't say I never gave you any! :)

The Object of the Game is to LEARN

Today has been a day for self analyzation. I had some extra time. Sometimes reaching way down deep can bring some old emotions to the surface. Sometimes, a person can say something (or write something) and it begins a process of unbridled thought. Now, that I think about it, this entry may be of a more esoteric nature. Perhaps I will save it for my journal. I will atleast put the lyrics to a song that I was introduced to today: And if you want to listen along, the song is track #13

The open wound she hides
She just keeps it bundled up
And never lets it show
She can't take much more of this
But she can't let it go
And that's ok, she don't want the world
All the things she says
While he's just lying there
Without someone to hear her cry
She slips off into a dream
About a place to hide
And that's ok, she don't want the world
This love she feels
Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
Those words he never spoke
Haunt her life, the memories
Of all the times before
She tried to show him love
While he would only ask for more
But it's ok, she don't want the world
Softly in her sleep
Pictures of the life she's longingFor slowly appear
She's seen them all before
But somehow never quite this clear
She just smiles, she don't want the world
This love she feels Everything she's ever known
Or ever thought was real
Seems like it's been thrown away
Now how's she gonna live
It's ok, she don't want the world
A brand new morning shines
As she wakes up alone again
This time to face the day
She swears there's time to make it
As she simply walks away
And it's ok, she don't want the world

3 Doors Down

I don't want the world....but I was so sick of begging for somebody.....the person with whom I should have felt the safest....to toss me some scraps whenever he wanted. I know that I have issues that I need to deal with. I know things don't happen on accident. I needed to learn things from that experience, that marriage, that I hope I've learned well enough to not repeat them. Right now, unfortunately, I am capable of be satisfied with scraps. This is why I need to take time to figure myself out and get myself ready for greater things, greater people. I'm so scared that I will never trust a man to care for me. Most of the men in my life have ended up turning their backs on me. I got to the point that I would actually be drawn to these types and of course ended up marrying one. I would give everything and anything to have love. And that is a dangerous place to be. I am wise enough to know that I have to be careful for me in order to be careful for my boys. They are my work and my glory right now. I wouldn't want them to be hurt worse than they already are.

Another person quoted the title of a song that also gives me hope: Its track #108

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

And one more reference that helps me:
D&C 122:7 ...know thou, my [daughter], that all these things shall give thee experience , and shall be for thy good.

I've traveled that broken road, but it's okay, because it will lead me to somebody wonderful, and because of the things I've experienced and how I've grown from them, I will be a grand prize for that person.

thanks for stopping by. Not exactly light reading I know.

Compromise Shmompromise! I'm done with that!

Some might read the following paragraphs and think I have extremely high expectations of love and that maybe I should come back down to earth. You know what I say to those people? I have been on the other side...to hell...and I'm done compromising and I'm done being attracted to someone's potential. I know what I want. I also realize that I may not find it, especially if I'm not actively seeking, which I am not right now. Honestly, I don't think I am unrealistic in my hope for a wonderful person. He doesn't need to be perfect. Just "right" for me!

I want to feel special. I want to feel valued. I want somebody who can recognize my strengths and abilities. I want someone to tell me that I am wonderful and that they are so lucky to have me in their life. I want someone that I want to be better for because I think that they also are totally amazing and wonderful. Not that it is so important, but I want somebody to tell me that I'm beautiful. I want somebody that when they are away from me, I miss them...even though I just talked to them. To be honest, I don't even know what this feels like. A real healthy love where they want the best for me and I want the best for them and we would do anything to help eachother to rise to our full potential. I want somebody that loves the Savior...even more than they love me. I mean that. So that when I am down, they don't slow down for me spiritually, but they grab my hand and pull me toward He who is mighty to save. I want to be that same way for them. I want somebody that is not afraid to let me know their vulnerabilities because they know that I would never hurt them. I don't want to compromise. I want to be strong. Is there a person out there like this? I know that I need to be as wonderful as the person that I want to find so that when we meet, we will recognize the qualities that we want in eachother. This is what I want.

I am willing to show someone how special they are to me. I am willing to value and adore them too. I want to find somebody whose strengths and abilities I recognize as amazing. I am willing to tell them everyday how wonderful they are to me and how lucky I am to have them in my life. I want someone who I want to be better for because being around them inspires me. I want someone that I can tell how beautiful they are inside and out. Their mind, their personality, and their whole soul! If they are feeling down or weak, I am willing to grab their hand and encourage them onward. I want someone who isn't afraid to give me their heart because they know that I will take good care of it and treat it as precious as it is. I want somebody who I would do anything for and that I don't have to worry because I know that they feel the same way about me. I don't know how this feels yet, but I hope to know someday.

Does that sound like too much to ask for? I think it sounds like a pretty healthy, functional, loving relationship. I know that everyday isn't so wonderful and every relationship, even the best ones, have difficult times. I get that. I will be committed during those times too.

Feel free to tell me if this sounds like a fairytale or if I am within my rights to hope for such love.

Thoughts that have traveled through my head

Last October, I celebrated my 40th birthday. Wow, that felt like that beginning of a 12 step program or something. My name is Marissa and I am a 40 year old. It's not so bad. It's not as devastating as it looks from the distant approach. I am grateful to be where I am. There are some things that I would change, but not if I had to relinquish the knowledge and growth that I have obtained by having passed through those things. I give thanks to God for His greatness and His perfect wisdom in allowing us, His children, to not only grow and prove ourselves to Him but allowing us to figure out for ourselves what He already knew about us. That we are capable of being strong and courageous even against the most unlikely odds if we allow Him to be involved. I love to keep journals and I have been (not always faithfully) writing in my 6 volumes of journals since I was about 17. I go back and read some of my entries and I just want to thump myself. Sometimes, I even find myself coaxing that girl, "No, what were you thinking?" as if my chastisement is going to somehow alter what her next direction would be. But later I can read the testimonial of that same girl after she learned the needed lesson and had gained some wisdom. Unfortunately, there were some lessons that weren't learned until I had some significant battle scars. Scars from wounds that could have been avoided had I been.....had I been....well, I guess I would have to change history to finish that sentence. I am so grateful, so so grateful for the knowledge...the absolute engraven into my soul knowledge that I have of who I am and what that means. Here are some things that I know: I know God is real. He exists. I know it because I have felt His influence and seen His power in my life and in the life of others. I know that Jesus is the Christ. He is our Savior. I know this because He saves me on a very regular basis. I know that when I follow His teachings and example, I am a happier person because I have more peace within myself. I know that God cares about us and that sometimes He allows suffering but He also helps us to get thru that suffering. A wise man once said that Man's extremity is God's opportunity. He wants us to trust in Him and to know that we can go to Him and rely on Him. Some suffering, unfortunately comes from making bad choices that end with painful consequences. I know..believe me. Everything that I am expressing is a result of having gone through something that helped me to learn.

Something else that I know: I know that we cannot make it here on this planet earth without eachother. We can't. If we don't look out for eachother and stop the hate, or even worse, the indifference, then we spiral downward and eventually we implode. I need to be somebody's angel sometimes and I need angels at other times. We can be answers to eachothers prayers. Selfishness and greed and self gratification are toxic but we are being spoon fed the insane idea that the only person that we can ultimately count on is ourselves, so we better look out for our best interest because that's what the other guy is doing. And if we help someone else along, then they end up with more and they get it before we do. The drift of the "society current" is going south, and it takes some intentional rowing to keep heading upstream. I believe that we have to row together in our families, and in our communities. We have to have that unity or it won't work.

Over the past 40 years, as I look back, that which I am most thankful for are the people in my life. Every person that encouraged me, loved me, believed in me, asked me to dance, supported me, acted silly with me, listened to me, laughed with me, sang with me, cried with me, and prayed for me, made a difference in my life. You made me who I am, and that is a pretty big deal!

It is finished! Now it starts!

As of yesterday March 6, 2009, my divorce is final! I have had many people ask me how I am doing and how it feels. Divorce is a many splendored thing, you know. I feel absolutely ecstatic not to be where I was. I am also ambivalent about it all. I know the future is mine to create and do with it what I will and that is exciting, but I also know that there are 3 other lives that are also affected and the effects of them being affected are...(sorry my weird lady personality wanted a turn). I am the mom and supposedly moms have the greatest influence on a young child's life-until that influential job is taken over by their friends and others that they like better. I just have to believe that they are going to be okay. They are smart and they see more than I realize. They get it and if they don't, they will.

As far as I'm concerned though, I have to get used to letting other people be there for me. I have to change my mindset about being the receiver. I have gone over 2 months with a broken kitchen faucet because I didn't want to bother anyone. Today, my friend's husband came over and fixed it after I went and got the parts. It took about an hour or less. What took me so long? I guess I could go into the analyzation of why but I don't feel like it. It's just a shift. A paradigm shift. I didn't even tell them about my broken toilet. Am I waiting for the plumbing fairy to get here? No. Am I hoping for a miracle? Maybe. Was my friend and her husband the miracle I was hoping for? Probably.

There are going to be lots of broken faucets and toilets and there will surely be a shortage of funds on many occasions. I am not alone. Not to sound completely cliché or trite but, I will survive! I am doing better than I thought. If I would have had more courage to face the unknown adventures of single motherhood, I probably would have left him long ago. Maybe not. I knew I should have left him before we ever had kids. I am rambling.

Getting back to where I started; I have a new anniversary to celebrate. March 6th. 3/6/09. It's a good number. Easy to remember. I know that I am a better person alone than I was with...not-so-good company. I am strong and the voices in my head tell me that I am a bit of a big deal. I believe them.

Life is good. 40 is still young (to anyone 41 or older) and I feel great! Happy Freedom Day to me!

An exerpt from my book.

I began writing a book back in 2002 during the first time I was separated from my soon to be ex. Long story...attorney troubles and lack of courage. Anyway I wanted to write an exerpt and let people read it and give some feedback about whether it is enjoyable enough or just mindless rantings of a mad, bitter, white woman! These are all my opinions and thoughts, I have done no research except that which I have collected from my own life...Tis all "the world according to me". Experience is a heck of a good teacher though!

Warning Doesn't Work!

How many times have you told a child, or a childish person for that matter, the best advice that you had to offer only to have them turn their back on it? Why is that? I think that if they don't grasp the concept of what you are attempting to tell them, it just falls on deaf ears or bounces off of their ego and floats off into the "good advice" realm. But one day gravity will pull it back down when needed and it will ring in their ears like a the bells of the Cologne Cathedral in Germany. At least we hope. No, really. No matter how much you try to tell a young, impressionable girl that she shouldn't be with him because he's too controlling or possesive and that his criticism isn't the best foundation for a relationship, it doesn't hold the weight that her perception of reality does. You see, the hugs and kisses and the feelings of being desired are her reality. "I know, but....." is a common come back that reflects the fact that your words have all but dissapated before they reach her brain.
Just try to convince a girl that has never had a healthy, nurturing relationship with a man in her whole young life that she should give up her relationship and the attention and affection and resume her prior life as a lonely, love starved, single, alone, pathetic individual. Are you getting my point? It's probably not going to happen just because you want it to. Idealistically, we hope that our daughters, nieces, cousins, or friends have had some instilling of self worth and have had at least a little experience with what a healthy relationship with a man feels like. A girl needs interaction with those who want the best for her so she can know what that feels like when she reaches dating age.
With divorce being as wide spread as it is, many children-boys and girls-are growing up without fathers in the home. The boys lose the opportunity to see how to be a husband and how to treat a girl like a lady on a daily basis. The girls on the other hand, as I mentioned before, don't experience the initial male/female bonding dynamics. Where is a little girl going to learn what it feels like to be winked at innocently or told that she's beautiful or what it feels like to be treated like she's priceless?
No, no matter how much you feel like warning her of unhappiness and heartbreak, you must bite your tongue. What you will end up doing is having her avoid you and defend him and eventually she will be committing herself to this person because she has put up barriers between herself and those who truly love her. I am not talking about someone who is physically or verbally abusive in these cases. Those cases need more agressive intervention. I am talking about your basic not so good guy. The best thing you can do is to love her unconditionally and be there to listen when she comes home crying because he was unkind or she needs someone to talk to about how she feels. Listen to her. Let her talk. She just may tell herself all of the things you want to say, like what a jerk he is and that she doesn't deserve that. Just reassure her that you are there for her and for her to pay close attention to her feelings. If she's feeling like he's a total jerk 5 out of 7 days, she's bound to get tired of it and you will have been the supportive one through it all. Hopefully, that example of respect and caring from someone who truly unconditionally loves her will make her want that in her life.


Well, there you have a small exerpt from my book called, "A Voice from the Dust-from One who Bit it!" by Marissa Zegarra. I have written about 50-60 pages so far and want to write more and eventually have a professional take a look at it for publishing. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to leave any comments. Later!

Don't tell me you are tolerant!

Ok, this won't be very long. It is a subject that I have felt strongly about lately...maybe because I live in California but also for other reasons. I am speaking of those who say that they are tolerant of people who have a differing "belief system" or "orientation" or who are just plain different. You've heard the speeches about how our differences make us great and that life would be boring if everyone were the same and that we should be tolerant of others' differences. Bull! I don't agree! You want to know why? And before you let the steam blow out your ears...just keep reading.

You want to know why I don't believe that we should just be tolerant? BECAUSE THAT ISN'T ENOUGH! What does tolerate mean anyway? It means that the other person or group of people is tolerable...or tolerable enough that I don't have to hate them or discriminate them...openly. What?!

Just recently, here in California, we were able to vote on Proposition 8. This proposition would define that a marriage is made up of one man and one woman. As you can imagine, most people feel very strongly about this. They either adamantly agree or disagree. I never met a person that said, "You know, I just don't care." People that wanted Prop 8 not to pass were possibly seen as immoral or just too liberal. People that fought for Prop 8 were seen as haters and bigots and that they wanted to impose their beliefs on everyone. I'll tell you right now...I voted yes on Prop 8. Not because I have any problems with gay people. I have absolutely no problem. I'll elaborate in a moment. I just want to say that Prop 8 wasn't about being anti-gay.

Growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I grew up learning the meaning of the word diversity. I went to school and work with people from many nationalities and cultures. I also knew many gay people...many. Some were very good friends of mine. As I think of my friend John, Clayton, Carlos, Shelly, Robbin, Mayra, Jared, and others....I think of nothing but great and happy times. Not all of them "came out" during the times that we were the closest, but have since and it doesn't surprise me at all to find out that they are. And it doesn't change my feelings for them. I don't tolerate them....I love them for the kind of people they are. They are amazing people. Some of the strongest, best people I know.

I recently watched a great movie on Lifetime called "Prayers for Bobby" and I highly recommend it. It is based on a true story of a boy growing up in Walnut Creek, CA. I was born in Walnut Creek and grew up in a neighboring city. This boy knew he was gay from an early age but wouldn't admit it to himself or anybody else until his Senior year in High School. The grief and hell that he went through, even by his own extremely religious mother, was disheartening...to say the least and absolutely maddening at worst. He ended up committing suicide because of the emotional distress that the intolerence of others caused. Sigourney Weaver played the mother and she did a great job. Watch it. It is the kind of movie that affects your life.

My final thought is this: I am a Christian. I belong to the LDS Church. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He is the supreme example. The scripture that quotes Him does not say, "As I have tolerated you, tolerate one another." So don't tell me that you are tolerant...because to be tolerant only is.....well, intolerable.

Is there something wrong with me?

First of all, allow me to make a preliminary disclaimer: I love my 3 boys. I would do almost anything for them.

Now having said that, I will go on with what I have been thinking about lately. Right now, I am joining the ranks of strong women who raise children on their own. It isn't my first choice but it is the best choice for me considering the alternative...which I won't get into right now. Being a parent is hard work. It is so hard because of the responsibility attached to it. There are long term effects and consequences to doing a bad job.

I am the type of mother who is a complete pushover. I indulge my boys, not monetarily because I don't have that luxury, but I give them my time, my energy, the best school lunches in the history of school lunches, bed time stories, special breakfasts and fancy dinners, homework help, etc., and every other mother does the same.

Face it, being a mother is draining. If you are the type of mom that is thinking to yourself that motherhood is totally fulfilling and "completes you" then you can stop reading and go. Really, I'll wait.........Ok, are those 2 gone? Really, who are they kidding? If I am being completely frank, I will even go as far as to say that some days my boys literally suck the life right out of me.

Before I was a mom, I had a few jobs that some people might consider brutal. I was a collections agent for a credit card company. The only people you get to talk to are people that don't want to talk to you and don't want you to call them. It's pretty uncomfortable for all involved. Before that I was a office manager in a Low Income Dental Clinic-the only one that existed at that time in Salt Lake. I not only got to deal with people that had abcessed teeth and were in horrible pain but they had no money on top of it. If I turned them away, they had one other option....suffer. So I was the mean, heartless, cruel lady several times per day. But as hard as those jobs were, sometimes they were easier than the job of motherhood is. Maybe those jobs actually prepared me to be the biggest meanie of them all. I get to be the one to makes the rules and enforces them and demands justice for breaking those rules and when and where to give mercy and just how much is deserved.

I get so mad when I hear some people say that woman are just naturally mothers and maternal. So, what is my malfunction then? I guess there are exeptions to every rule. Maybe I am one of those women born with an underdeveloped maternal gene who keep waiting for it to mature and kick in to gear. I love my boys. I really do. But when they are talking back to me or diliberately disobeying me or ignoring me or the worst.....mimicking me in that high pitched voice while bobbing there head side to side. These are the times that I miss my other, less abusive, jobs that I got paid for.

Am I alone here? Is there one other lady out there that can relate to me?

There are moments that are fulfilling, don't misunderstand. Those are the moments that keep you going. I am gratefule for those moments. My boys are still young, still very self absorbed, thinking that their wants and needs are the only wants and needs. I am sure that as they get older, they will be able to see me as a person with feelings and not as unpaid servant and wish grantor. It's probably partly my fault. I should have done things differently. I don't know.

My hope is that I can turn these boys loose into the world with the capability to contribute something to others in this society. That they will have compassion, initiative, self confidence, and strength. But I still secretly have put a curse on them that they will have children someday that are just like them. That really is the satisfaction of all satisfactions.

I will go back to where I began. I love my boys dearly. I will be there mom for as long as they need me. But motherhood is hard. That's all I'm saying.

Thanks for stopping by. Please come again.